Early Menopause

Generally, women do not hope for early menopause. It is indicative of other “bad” things going on in a woman’s system. However, over the past couple of months I find myself hoping that I would have early menopause but for none of the reasons that could be bad, like having cancer. Why would I do such a thing? 

Is the choice that has to be made…. To have more kids or not.

If I could not have any more kids, then there would be no choice. I could not have them. But, with the return of a woman’s cycle, we are faced with the fertility choice. Should we have another child or not?

I found myself hoping that I would not have to go through making those decisions. Because, I can not decide. When Norah died, I wanted a multitude of children in the house (we always want what we can’t have at the time). Over time, that urge has tempered a bit but I will admit that I would like more children. However, there is this part of having children called pregnancy that I’m not so certain I want to do again. Being pregnant is not the problem, my body tolerates pregnancy well. But, my body also let a little baby die within me. Pregnancy is not a happy time for me anymore. It is filled with worry and anxiety and very many low lows. We babyloss Moms always talk about the loss of innocence concerning pregnancy and birth and delivery. The emotional weight that I live with while pregnant is huge. Do I want to do that again? Pregnancy and delivery turned out fine the last time, we have our current little one. But, do I want to roll the dice again, pull that lever, scratch off a card? (ok, enough of the lucky gambling references)

So, instead of making that choice, I want it to be made for me, I want to opt out. But, I will not get that wish. No opting out now. My cycle returned the other day spurring on this thought process. For some, that might be too much information but for most people who come to this blog, I know it is not.

Back to indecision. DH and I decided to not make choices until the little one is a year old. I think that we think either we will be too tired for another one or that we will be sent some direct information from somewhere that will help us in this decision.

What have you done? What are you all going to do?

Back Again

Tonight DD, who is 6.5 years said “Mom, if you had a million dollars, you would keep it in your closet, so it wouldn’t blow away.”  Hmmm, I guess that is one place to keep it, if I had a million dollars. I think she gets this from the offhanded comments they say “I want ____ and ____” and I say, when you earn a million dollars you can buy that. She also wants to have a car without a roof (a convertible) and live in Hollywood. If that is not the influence of T.V. I don’t know what is. I monitor their T.V. watching but it is the commercials that are dangerous. That makes a good argument for getting Tivo.

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We have been gone on vacation to the beach and visiting the inlaws. It is good to be home.

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Tonight I was watching an episode on HGTV where this guy would come in and fix a house that contractors messed up. I have no idea what it is called. But I watched it because I was feeding the little one. The builder kept referring to all of the upgrades he put into the house because they were about to have a baby e.g. a hepa filter. The lady was nearly full term and was ripe with pregnancy. Of course, he did a very good job on the house. At the end when the sh0w was ending, a black screen came up that said “In Memory of Baby Emma, June 2007”. I cried. I thought HGTV would be safe. Then I lit a candle for Baby Emma which burned all evening. Why? Because I know the pain and sadness that couple experienced. I know they miss their baby Emma. So Baby Emma, I hope you are with the rest of the little babies who died too soon and are at peace.

Shhhh!

Last night I was watching a show on t.v. entitled something like “I didn’t know I was pregnant”. I am fascinated by these documentaries because I can not imagine a situation where I would not know I was pregnant. I often fantasize about just having a baby one day…not knowing I was pregnant. Imagine all of the worry, sadness and fear that could be avoided when having a rainbow baby if I did not know I was pregnant anyway. My two oldest kids came home right in the middle of one of the stories. The lady gave birth to twins, not knowing she was pregnant. H. said “How could she not know she was pregnant. Your tummy gets really big when you are pregnant.”  yeah, thanks for the reminder.  My son could not be outdone and started asking questions also. 

So as I was getting their pajamas on for night time, H. says “Why do you have to have dead babies”.  I said, “I don’t know, sometimes babies aren’t born alive and Norah was one of those”. But isn’t that the million dollar question?  I wanted to reply by saying “I have not freakin’ idea why I had a dead baby.”  The honest words of inquiring kids can cut me to the core. The best I got is “I don’t know”.

There are 26,000 still births a year. That is one in every 160 births. Ten times the rate of SIDS deaths. I’ve heard some people quote one in every 100 births. Seriously, that is alot in anyone’s book. Why don’t you hear more about research, or prevention, or even the doctor mentioning that it might be a possibility. You don’t. A baby’s death is kept quiet, swept under a rug. The families of dead babies are treated poorly or not acknowledged at all. Uuugghh. I’m a little pissed today.

Doorknobs

It is amazing how the mind works especially when dealing with memories. We all know memories are incomplete, only snippets of space and time. Our memories are biased. Each person can remember the same event in different ways. I am always amazed at what triggers a memory — a smell, a touch, your surroundings, a thought. For those of us who have lost a baby, memories can be triggered by something we used to do in pregnancy or a commercial we see on t.v., or whatever we are reading. I let my memories of Norah be triggered by almost anything.

Last night, I had trouble sleeping. I got up to go to the restroom. I opened the door, saw my hand reaching for the door knob and boom, a memory was triggered. Or I should say the awareness of the lack of any memory. I have no memories of growing up in my parent’s house that are related to doorknobs. My house was build in the 90’s, when gold ruled so the doorknobs are gold colored. Growing up, we did not have doors on the bedrooms, or anywhere for that matter. The entire house was a modifcation of an existing house that was build a long time ago (40’s/50’s?). There were door frames because one had to get in and out of a room but no doors; thus, no doorknobs. Since it was a modification of an existing house, or what I imagine must have been more of a shack because it was really small. The rooms they build on have a 3-6 inch step, depending on which room you are entering. This made for the perfect place for a kid to what the activity in the household.

Back to the topic, my memory was triggered reaching for a doorknob. Yet really, it was the lack of a memory. Strangely interesting. That is like saying “I remember that I did not have a doll growing up”….a memory of something that wasn’t there. Our minds are wonderous creations which never cease to amaze me.

Unfocused

6 weeks into the summer and I have done absolutely nothing at work. I’ve mostly been in the field or attempted to be in the field. This has left me extremely unfocused at work. I went in yesterday only to sit and try to figure out where I was when I left. I hate feeling this way. So, I end up wasting time surfing the internet. Yes, wasting time. I hate wasting time but it makes me feel productive….like I’m doing something. However, I’m not really doing anything…just bouncing from a loss blog to a friends blog to an interesting article and probably not retaining one word. Today, I promise to make lists and try to obtain some focus.

And I need a vacation, any last minute ideas on where to go?  My kids want to go to the beach. Does anyone know of deals on hotels or beach house on the southeast coast or around the Gulf of Mexico? See, I’m that unmotivated. I can’t even plan a vacation.