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Doorknobs

July 6, 2009

It is amazing how the mind works especially when dealing with memories. We all know memories are incomplete, only snippets of space and time. Our memories are biased. Each person can remember the same event in different ways. I am always amazed at what triggers a memory — a smell, a touch, your surroundings, a thought. For those of us who have lost a baby, memories can be triggered by something we used to do in pregnancy or a commercial we see on t.v., or whatever we are reading. I let my memories of Norah be triggered by almost anything.

Last night, I had trouble sleeping. I got up to go to the restroom. I opened the door, saw my hand reaching for the door knob and boom, a memory was triggered. Or I should say the awareness of the lack of any memory. I have no memories of growing up in my parent’s house that are related to doorknobs. My house was build in the 90’s, when gold ruled so the doorknobs are gold colored. Growing up, we did not have doors on the bedrooms, or anywhere for that matter. The entire house was a modifcation of an existing house that was build a long time ago (40’s/50’s?). There were door frames because one had to get in and out of a room but no doors; thus, no doorknobs. Since it was a modification of an existing house, or what I imagine must have been more of a shack because it was really small. The rooms they build on have a 3-6 inch step, depending on which room you are entering. This made for the perfect place for a kid to what the activity in the household.

Back to the topic, my memory was triggered reaching for a doorknob. Yet really, it was the lack of a memory. Strangely interesting. That is like saying “I remember that I did not have a doll growing up”….a memory of something that wasn’t there. Our minds are wonderous creations which never cease to amaze me.

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