Archive for November, 2009

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My Rainbow’s Baby’s Birthday

November 29, 2009

I held my breath for 9 months. Periodically. And symbolically not literally or else I wouldn’t be here. After much anxiety and many sleepless nights, I had my pregancy induced on November 28, 2008. One year and 10 days after Norah died. Mostly I read trashy books during the first part which consisted of the nurses pumping me full of chemicals and turning up the doseage every 15 minutes. By 11:00 am, after 6 hours of “labor”, I was barely fazed and enjoying my book. The contractions were no stronger than Braxton-Hicks and the nurses could not turn the dosage up any higher. I told them to break my water so we could get somewhere with the labor. I was not leaving the hospital without my baby and breaking my water would insure that they would not send me home with a failed induction. My doctor came in about 11:30 am and did it. Apparently, the baby had not descended very far and so the doc had to reach up to China to get it done. After my water broke, I called my husband and told him he could come. He came with a sub sandwich…I made him eat it in the bathroom. I read my book until 1:30 pm after which I actually had to concentrate to make it through the contractions. At 2:30 pm, I told my husband that I didn’t want to do it any longer. He looked at me and said “not long now”. I let them check me for the first time and I was 5 cm. I told my husband I could do it for 30 more minutes but that was it. At 2:50, she checked again, I was complete, at 10 and I could not wait to push. My baby was born at 2:59 p.m. after about 3 pushes. Did I say how much I love to push because it makes the pain go away?  She cried and we cried. She was alive and I did not let her go. I didn’t let her go for a long time. I told them that they could weigh her when we got to our room. For about 24 hours afterwards, a nurse would periodically come in my room and ask to bathe her. My husband reminded me of this yesterday. I kept refusing because I thought it was fun to torture the nurses. Eventually I did let them give her a bath because I wanted to shower. My husband was at a college football game. Those first few days are so far away from me now. I held her alot, I fed her alot, and I remember the darkness of my room. I wanted it dark, like a womb, to just be with my baby.

So now she is one year old. She made it to the one year mark. I am so grateful to have her. She is sweet and kind and is such a blessing to me. She shoveled cake into her mouth yesterday with abandon, smearing icing across her face. She is definitely the light of my life and will always remain special to me.

I am 17 weeks pregnant again. This pregnancy is not as anxiety ridden but now when I should start to feel movement, I am starting to get anxious. Why can’t I feel the baby?  Looking forward to my next appointment and hoping I hear a heartbeat. I’m also praying for the same kind of ending that I had with my 1st rainbow baby (see above).

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Barely here

November 24, 2009

Sometime I feel like I am barely here. I look up and I’ve lost hours out of my life. What was I doing? Time is a mystery to me. Some days are excruciating to get through and other days it is if I barely blinked. Missing Time — I call it. I know the pyschologists have some explanation for this but I’ve forgotten what it was, obviously my long term memory did not think it was important. I can read a book and forget almost immediately what it was about. What a waste it seems. I could have been doing something else with that time, like cleaning the kitchen. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for something. Is this my subconcious still waiting for Norah to come?  I just feel like sitting and waiting. Odd. Rambling is what I am doing. I just find it an odd common occurrence.

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And so it happens…

November 20, 2009

I shouldn’t be surprised and yet, I am. I always am. No one IRL ever remembers Norah’s angelversary, ever. Not my best friend, not my neighbors, not my parents (oh wait, they’re dead), not my siblings. My “Pea” friends on the internet remembered and put together a very touching tribute with candles and poems. Three friends from another internet site remembered. Every year I am torn concerning whether I should expect to remember or just let it all fade away.

It reasonates with me when other dead baby mama’s talk about how one day you feel like that shitty stuff must have happened to someone else or maybe that was a different lifetime. Then, I remember. No, it was us and she died only 2 years ago. We are the parents of a baby who died too soon. And so it happens that my own memories and the pain begin to dull and that others don’t even remember. My mind plays tricks on me. Did she exist? I look at pictures to remind me that yes, she existed and that she lives on in me and my kids. My emotions go up and down and I oscillate from being angry, to sad, to feeling OK, to just trying not to feel at all.

Dear Norah, I hope you are near. I hope that you are able to fulfill the journey that I was a part of. I hope that you get to hang out sometimes with the other babies that did not spend enough time on earth. I hope you are happy. Mom

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November 13, 2009

“When we look deep into the heart of a flower, we see clouds, sunshine, minerals, time, the earth, and everything else in the cosmos in it. Without clouds there could be no rain, and there would be no flower.”

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Norah, are you in that flower?

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November 11, 2009

“A human being is part of the whole called by us ‘universe,’ a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest–a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prision for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to fee ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

-Albert Einstein

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Peas Meeting

November 10, 2009

For 3 years now I have been chatting with a specific group of ladies online. I met them on one of those massive birth boards for babies that were to be born in May 2007. I joined a private group of about 30 ladies and shared intimate details of my life. I miscarried that baby, as did some of the other ladies. In 4 months, I was pregnant again with Norah. We all know what happened in the end there. This past weekend I went to go meet 5 of them with two of my children. Norah would have been 2 years old on Nov. 18. All of these ladies have their 2 year olds. Where is mine?

You might think that it was horrible seeing all the babies the same age as the one I lost. It wasn’t. I do not equate what someone else has with what I do not have. They are separate lives and separate stories. I was wistful thinking about what Norah would be doing with all of the two year olds. It was nice to meet people I had been chatting with for awhile. I can’t help but be sad that Norah was not physically here to experience it.