Early Menopause

July 30, 2009

Generally, women do not hope for early menopause. It is indicative of other “bad” things going on in a woman’s system. However, over the past couple of months I find myself hoping that I would have early menopause but for none of the reasons that could be bad, like having cancer. Why would I do such a thing? 

Is the choice that has to be made…. To have more kids or not.

If I could not have any more kids, then there would be no choice. I could not have them. But, with the return of a woman’s cycle, we are faced with the fertility choice. Should we have another child or not?

I found myself hoping that I would not have to go through making those decisions. Because, I can not decide. When Norah died, I wanted a multitude of children in the house (we always want what we can’t have at the time). Over time, that urge has tempered a bit but I will admit that I would like more children. However, there is this part of having children called pregnancy that I’m not so certain I want to do again. Being pregnant is not the problem, my body tolerates pregnancy well. But, my body also let a little baby die within me. Pregnancy is not a happy time for me anymore. It is filled with worry and anxiety and very many low lows. We babyloss Moms always talk about the loss of innocence concerning pregnancy and birth and delivery. The emotional weight that I live with while pregnant is huge. Do I want to do that again? Pregnancy and delivery turned out fine the last time, we have our current little one. But, do I want to roll the dice again, pull that lever, scratch off a card? (ok, enough of the lucky gambling references)

So, instead of making that choice, I want it to be made for me, I want to opt out. But, I will not get that wish. No opting out now. My cycle returned the other day spurring on this thought process. For some, that might be too much information but for most people who come to this blog, I know it is not.

Back to indecision. DH and I decided to not make choices until the little one is a year old. I think that we think either we will be too tired for another one or that we will be sent some direct information from somewhere that will help us in this decision.

What have you done? What are you all going to do?


  1. That is such a tough decision, especially after the loss you have experienced. I think giving yourself more time is a good idea. Maybe things will be clearer in a year or so. I had a really hard time deciding about the last 2 and #4 was decided for us. I’m so glad things turned out the way they did, but I always felt like 4 kids was our limit so it was an easy decision to have my tubes tied during my c-section.

  2. well, you know we made our decision, though I have not totally come to peace about it. I would love to have just one more, but the (emotional) burden of another pregnancy… I am not sure I can bear it.
    Sigh* You still have some time to think about it… I hope it will not be too difficult or painful a decision. xo

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