Archive for December, 2009

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The Usual Resolutions

December 30, 2009

I don’t do them. I don’t make lists of things that I want to do or should do. I try to be a good person, take care of family, do that best that I can. I realize that I am doing all that I can right now and refuse to add more complexity and guilt to my life. Don’t I already have enough? So, in honor of the pending new year, I will post something that got sent to me in a chain main. Which I normal don’t read and never forward onward but when it is from my fellow babylost moms, I always stop and read. I don’t know who the author is of this quote. Maybe one of you can enlighten me.

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

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Away

December 20, 2009

I’ve been away. I had a conference in San Francisco, a town I love to visit but then leave. I was gone for 5 days but 2 days were travel days. The conference was good but I talked alot. More than I normally talk. It was exhausting. I’m glad to not have to go here and there and lunch and carry conversation. I’m not much of a small talk person. So, now I feel almost wordless. All of my normal everyday talking went to my colleagues. It may take a few days to build back some momentum.

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Anger

December 12, 2009

In the past couple of years my husband has been pushing to find a church that we can belong to and our children can have the experience of religion. I’m not against religion, in fact I think it can be a great crutch to lean on in difficult times. I went to a Missionary Baptist Church went I was a teenager. It wasn’t until later that I learned the other meaning of missionary, which always makes me chuckle now. While in college I experimented with other religions and when I travel, I go to the different places that the world’s inhabitants worship. I respect religion. I classify myself as spiritual but not really religion. My husband visited churches in the area on his own. We live in the deep south so finding a church that fits our criteria is difficult. He has narrowed the search to 3 churches. I visited one with him last Sunday. This is where this blog becomes applicable.

I thought I did not have remaining anger over Norah’s death. I thought I had accepted it as one of those horrible things that happen to people in life. Sitting in this church watching people worship a deity that refer to as God, the anger came to the surface. They have their children and I don’t. I am missing part of my family. It all boils down to that. I am still very angry. I didn’t know that I am but I had buried it. I had hid it away so that I couldn’t be hurt by it. I am aware of the anger, I recognize it as anger but I am letting it pass. Hopefully, it will pass. Whether I can sit in a church without physically becoming ill remains to be seen.

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Life Blog

December 1, 2009

If you are reading along, you know that this blog isn’t just a loss blog but a blog about life after loss. I archive many thoughts on her but the posts always seem to revolve and come back to Norah. She is a big part of my life still. Her life and death has shaped me and made me into what I am today (for better or for worse).

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Given the above statement, if you do not want to read about live (at least for now) children, then click off of this blog. OK, fair warning.

Remember, I was lamenting that I can not feel this baby. Sometimes I think maybe I do but then again, it could be gas. I heard the heartbeat today at a doctor’s appt. It did take a while to locate the heartbeat during which my mind was blank. I had already prepared myself for a loss. I do it every appointment; I rehearse how I am going to react when my OB tells me that she can not find the heartbeat. It is morbid, it is self-preservation. But, this time she did find it. And for the next appt, I will also have rehearsed how I will react. I’ve even asked myself at what point would I also get a casket for this baby and bury her next to Norah. Ah, life after a loss really sucks sometimes.