Archive for February, 2009

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Norah

February 21, 2009

I realize this is not a typical babyloss blog. Being 15 months out, I no longer need to write about Norah everyday. She is with me everyday but I have accepted her death and am trying to live life in full appreciation of those on the living side. I’ve changed. I’m not the same mama I once was. One positive, if I must choose one, is that I am impervious to misfortune. When my Mom died 5 months after Norah,  I cried and I was sad but, my grief in no way compared to that of when Norah died.  I’m assuming that it will be that way for the rest of my life…

Lost my job, so what

Dog died, no problem

House burned down, its just stuff

I am stronger but honestly, I was already strong enough. I would rather have her here with me in the physical world.

And just in case you were wondering, in my mind’s eye, I see Norah as 15 months old and not a baby anymore. Maybe in the spirit world, the dead continue to acquire age but maybe they see it as accumulating wisdom.

Gotta go Maya keeps hitting her head on the keyboard.

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UFO’s

February 20, 2009

Late in the evenings on summer nights, my brother and I used to lay in the grass below our house. The sun was behind the mountains, not yet set all the way. The valley was bathed in dusk but the tree top still had sunlight on them. As we sprawled out, our eyes would always turn upward. And we would count….one ufo, two ufos, three ufos. There were objects zooming across the sky which surely must contain aliens. What were they?  Where were they coming from? And…why is there a white trail extending out the back like an airplane trail?

Because they were airplanes. When the sun hits the airplanes just right, they glare and you can not see the body of the plane, just a flying glowing light. We thought they were UFOs. And to us, they were unidentified; yet, totally explainable. Sometimes, things are exactly what they seem.

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15 months

February 19, 2009

February 18 we lit a candle for Norah, my baby who is no longer physically on the Earth. It is been a long, hard, pain, and grief filled 15 months since she died. I think of her everyday. I miss her desperately.

We also lit the candle for my Mom who passed away in April of 2008. It has been 10 months since she died. My Mom was one of my best friends and I miss hearing her voice and talking to her.

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Stimulus

February 18, 2009

I’m hoping that the politicians remembered to write in a line item in the stimulus plan….$1 million dollars to me. Thinking of such a huge number like $800 Billion dollars, I’m sure they would not miss $1 million. It’s not much and I would put it to good use and stimulate the economy.

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FEET

February 17, 2009

Driving DS to pre-K this morning he saw a sign on the back of a dump truck. It said “STAY BACK 300′”. He asked what the number was. I said 300. He said 300 Gallons. I said “No, 300 feet”.  Then, I had this visual image of 300 body parts, you know the one at the end of your leg, a foot. 300 feet with toes and everything. I must be so confusing to be 4 years old.

How do you explain that while feet are body parts they are also a unit of measurement?

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Santa Claus?

February 10, 2009

I made DH go out to the store on Christmas Eve because I did not have wrapping paper for the “Santa Claus” gifts. The kids were very familiar with the wrapping paper that I had because I had been using it to wrap everyone’s gifts. So, I thought, “If I don’t get new wrapping paper, they are going to figure out who Santa Claus really is”

DH thought I was crazy for having him go get more paper because “there is no way that DD and DS are going to pay attention to the wrapping paper” OK, so maybe that was a bit anal.

Fast forward three weeks. I’m packing away all the Christmas stuff. Everything is packed except for the gift wrap which is in DH’s closet. However, DS and DD were playing computer games in our bedroom. I thought about what DH said and went ahead and took out the “Santa” gift wrap and started walking into the living room.

DD says “Mom! Santa has the same wrapping paper as we do!”

I say “Wow! What a coincidence!”

DD says “How can Santa have the same wrapping paper?”

I say “Honey, this gift wrap is sold all over the world. He could have bought his at any store.”

Lesson: don’t pay attention to DHs

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Panic

February 7, 2009

DD1 was sitting on the couch looking into a hand held mirror (I told you before she is ego-centric). I was running around trying to get everything ready to go to work.

DD: Mom, they’re under my tongue!

Internally I think: What’s under her tongue! Scabbies! Warts! Lesions!

Me: Honey, what is under your tongue?

DD: The same thing that is over my eyes.

Internally I think: What is it? The black plague?  Herpies?  Is she dying?

Me: Can you be more specific, what is under your tongue and over your eyes?

DD: Those blue lines going everywhere.

Phew. Veins. She is talking about her veins. Thank goodness. No trips to the ER or anything drastic. Insert here a conversation on what veins are and how they carry blood to all parts of the body.  She then asked if veins are in teeth, bones, and hair. I had to explain that teeth and hair do not have veins because they aren’t really alive.

I am still really sensitive about death. Will I ever go back to normal? Probably not. I have a new normal….hence, Life Revisited.