Archive for January, 2010

h1

I am in introvert.

January 25, 2010

One of my colleagues told me the other day that she is leaving and going to a different university. She said she is going to be closer to her family and because her husband wants to go. I’m really bummed. I put as much energy as I put into any friendship into the one I have with her. Granted, sometimes that is not a lot but I did make an effort and enjoy her company. After she told me, I cried on my drive home. For some reason, I think that is an overreaction. Yes, I am pregnant but I’m not sure why her departure is hitting me so hard. We work together on a couple of projects and I see her almost everyday. She is female with a young son, and understands the daily stresses that a female in academia with a young family has–what I have to deal with everyday. Not many people understand that and to have someone in the department was awesome. Now she is leaving. I’ll see her at conferences and maybe in the field if we ever get funding.

Now the point of all this is that it has led me to think of friendships. I know in academia people shuffle in and shuffle out. It is a revolving door. However, since I have been here, no one has left in my department. I like it that way. I like that it stays the same when my lift outside of work is always shifting. Work is a constant. Now, that is shifting. It leads me to the conclusion that if you make friends, you are bound to get hurt. Should one have friends then? Or should one not and be reclusive?  I admit that I am an introvert. I don’t have that many friends because I don’t make time to cultivate the friendships. I have some acquaintances. My best friend is from college and she is 800 miles away. We talk on the phone every other day. But I don’t have a go-to friend where I am. I seem to be functioning somewhat properly. So, why even make friends if they are going to leave?  Or alternatively, should I be more flexible and make more acquaintances but not get attached to them. Some people understand that friends come and friends go. Another friend will replace the one that they lost. But, I don’t feel like that. I feel like I’ve lost something special.

Friends, are they worth it?

Advertisements
h1

Silence

January 19, 2010

I’ve been thinking lately “why so silent?”. I could give the usual excuses — life, kids, work, etc…  Silence for me usually indicates the need to dig deeper into myself. It could be that I have already started to move inward. I did this at the end of my newest little one’s pregnancy. Now, I feel the urge to move inward again. And, I’m only 24 weeks pregnant. I rejoice with each baby born and am so saddened when I read of another baby lost. On the outside, I move mechanically from one task to the next (ummm, sometimes there is no moving). On the inside, I draw down into myself and try to shield myself from the fears, from the knowledge of what could lie ahead. I do.not.want. to think about losing another baby. I reject the thought immediately. Yet, it can happen.

*****

My little one is now 14 months old and she has been sick with a fever for 5 days. Hot…not so hot…hot….cooler, back and forth for days. She doesn’t sleep well and I don’t sleep well because I fear she will leave me in the middle of the night. So, I keep a watch over her and even when she does obtain a deep slumber, I still watch her. 

*****

I am probably reading your blog but can not find the energy to comment because that means I have to log into my blog to comment on yours. I apologize. I can’t seem to scrap together the brain cells. I was teaching a graduate level class this morning and all words left me. I began to gesticulate wildly with my hands, as if that would help me capture the words I was looking for. I still couldn’t find them and had to descibe the words I wanted with more words. I hate it when that happens.