Archive for February, 2010

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A burning candle

February 26, 2010

Quite often I light my memory candle in my kitchen window. When I am cooking dinner and cleaning, I look up and see the flame flicker and remember the person that I am lighting it for. Last night I kept it burning for Jonathan, a little boy who left this world too soon. When I turn out the kitchen lights, the flame lights up the window. I’m startled to see it everytime I turn the corner and remember that another person left this world before I felt like they should. The time always comes when I have to blow it out or else risk burning the house down. I always feel guilty about blowing it out. I feel like I’m extinguishing the persons memory one more time. It isn’t logical; it is just a candle. But still….I know who I lit it for and feel as though I have dedicated some time to remembering them. When I blow it out, uuughh, pufff, a little smoke rises and I feel bad. I want to always remember them, but of course, one can not walk around chanting people’s names in constant memory of the dead. Sometimes it hurts….and I just wait until my husband blows it out.

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February 22, 2010

Days like today feel like wasted days. At night I am dreaming of manuscripts that I am writing but then I come to work and have meetings scheduled and no creative time. Now, the day is nearly done. My mind is trashed and I would like to take a nap. I feel like I’m losing my creative juices….some days it is just so easy, today it is not. I’m frustrated by the lack of time. Doesn’t the world realize I only have 9 more weeks to finish everything???? I’m starting to feel the stress of only 9 more weeks. That is where this post stems from….panic, fear, anxiety.

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Musing

February 15, 2010

So, recently in the news, I’m sure you have seen that an assistant professor entered a faculty meeting and killed 3 of her colleagues. This happened in northern Alabama, approximately 3 hours from me. I just can’t help wondering what kind of life this woman had that allowed her to get so wrapped up in the tenure process. Yes, it is stressful. But, after I submitted my tenure package, I don’t even think about it. I can’t imagine what went through her mind to think that killing other people was the solution to her problem. Life is so short to be caught up on whether you are granted tenure or not. I wonder if she equated it with not getting picked for a team on the school playground. Yes, it sucks when it appears as though people do not want you but violence is never the key. She stopped the lives of 3 people and crushed their families because she did not get what she wanted. That is soooo wrong on many levels. Another instance of how life changes not based on the decisions that you make but based on the actions of others or things you can not control.  I can not relate to her actions or intentions. It just does not make sense.

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Optimism

February 14, 2010

Today I received an email for a conference at the beginning of June. “Congrats, you’ve been accepted for the ……”. I feel a little naughty even thinking beyond the birth of this baby. I had to a lot of field work shuffling this summer because I had 3 international trips scheduled and needed to nix them all. I say things like, “Once this baby is here safely, I can do….”   With my last one I had a mental block and could not think beyond the birth but for this one, I have to or else….or else what really?  My students will not get any work done. My work will grind to a screeching halt. My family will go the summer without seeing family. There are worse things (as we all know). The point being is that I have been thinking beyond and accommodating the birth of a child. I will have to get a passport and visa for this baby. I need to check on flights to make sure I pay the taxes for a baby in the lab?  How do I give a talk at a conference with a baby wrapped to me?  I am enjoying the challenge of thinking up solutions but I’m really amazed that I can think beyond. Is it optimism or is it just being naive?  I know what can happen; I just pray that it doesn’t happen again.

I also scheduled a conference 3 weeks before my due date. Why? Because I promised colleagues that I would do it before I knew I was pregnant. In fact, 7 weeks before I am due, I’m chairing another conference in Baltimore. Why?  I thought it was a good idea. Now, all the conferences and committments I made before I was pregnant are piling up. So, I will do it. I’m going to take the train to the one where I’m 37 weeks pregnant so I don’t have to drive. I can sit and do work and get up and walk. I’ve never taken an Amtrak train. I’ve traveled all over Europe on the train but never in the US. I’m looking forward to the experience.

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Silence 2

February 8, 2010

I feel as though I have absolutely nothing profound or interesting to say. My weeks are spent at work and taking care of the kids. My weekends are spent with the kids and getting ready for the week. I don’t have much time to read anything interesting…although I’m re-reading a book at night about map makers through time. It’s ~400 pages long and may take me 6 months to get through. If I watch the news, I get depressed. I skip the political commentary in magazines. I don’t read baby stuff because that is way too scary. If I watch T.V. it is usually at 3 in the morning because I can’t sleep. I was thinking last night about the “good ole days” when I only knew what happened in the world because my Mom turned on the nightly news at 6 pm. When I travel abroad, I disconnect from the world and have absolutely no idea what is going on. I like that. I like just paying attention to what I am doing at the moment.  Now, I feel like I’m constantly bombarded by news even though I try to avoid it.

Then there is another part of me that constantly want to check people’s blogs and other babyloss sites. Why do I feel the need to stay so connected even though most of the mom’s don’t even know I’m checking up on them. I’ll say to DH “I just need to check on so and so for a minute”.  When will I give that up? Will I? I can go for months at a time and then feel a particular need to see how someone is doing. It’s not as though you all really know me or I know you.

I’m blathering and avoiding doing figures for a manuscript.

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100 days

February 1, 2010

Two days ago, I past the “100 days” to go mark based on my calculations, not my OB’s.  Down to the double digits. In reality it is probably more like 85 days but that is to hard to acertain. Two weeks ago, I decided to try and walk for 45 minutes everyday until this baby is here, hopefully alive and safe. More realistically, it is has turned to be 6 out of 7 days in the week I have been able to get outside and walk.  I felt like I just needed to get outside and clear my head. I suppose to exercise will do me and baby some good. I admit that it can be kind of boring sometimes because I don’t really think about that much. I try to go as fast as I can possibly go as I waddle down the path.

Three more months. It doesn ‘t seem like that long when I write it but I know from experience that the last 6 weeks is very difficult and time goes by very slowly.