Archive for July, 2010

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Dreams

July 29, 2010

One of the *perks* of having a small baby is waking at night multiple times. For me, it allows me the possibility of remembering what I am dreaming. I do remember a dream I had two nights ago about a long time friend of mine, Nadine. The memory is kind of patchy but here is what I do remember….

My husband and I were driving furiously away from something and I was covered in blood. He asked me what happened, I said that I didn’t know what happened and asked why we were driving fast. He said that he found me unconcious covered in blood but it wasn’t my blood, that is was my friend Nadine’s blood. I asked him where she was and he said that she was dead beside of me. I freaked out. Had I killed her? Why was I covered in blood? Why are we driving away?  He said he didn’t know so we turned but thought I might be in trouble. We decided to go to the police. It turns out that my fingerprints were all over the knife that killed her also and much of the evidence pointed to me doing it. However, I didn’t remember what had happened. The dream wound onward and I figured out that somebody was trying to set me up for the murder of my friend. I had a trace of drugs in my system that made me not remember anything. Then I woke up because my baby was hungry and stirring.

I don’t think it means anything. It is probably a function of watching too many of those mysteries on TruTV. I do remember the feeling of horror when I thought I had killed her. Then, the feeling of vindication after I figured out I was being set up. Strange that those feelings remain as if they were feelings that occurred during my waking hours. I don’t remember all of the dream, mainly the feelings.

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Relationships

July 28, 2010

My world would shatter if I was getting a divorce. My brother and his wife of 15 years are getting a divorce and this has made me think more about relationships, friendships, and partnerships. She “fell out of love” with him. It happens. But here is the kicker….3 years ago. Imagine being in a relationship where you love someone intensely but they don’t love you. And, they do not tell you that they don’t love you. I would be extremely angry. I think that is what my brother is feeling also. Anger. 3 years of your life  you devoted to a marriage and love and to a person. I made my husband promise that if he ever “feel out of love” with me that he has to tell me, immediately, as soon as he knows. I got eye rolls for that one but I think I am horrified by the loss of time and energy. He promised. He says it is not going to happen but you never know for certain about anything. I love almost everything about my husband. He is kind, generous, a great father, a great friend, a role model, and really funny. He does have a tendency to procrastinate and be late for everything. I can live with that and have done so for 20 years. The care of our children takes up most of our time and we only have a few moments at night to reconnect. I know that child raising will not last forever.  We both don’t have time to cultivate other friendships. I have one girl best friend and a few acquaintances. He mainly has guy friends that are fine not speaking to each other for months at a time. We are each others best friend.

There really is not a point to this post other than just thinking about what other people mean to me.  I decided long ago that I was better with just a few well cultivated friends and a treasure trove of friends. This works best for my personality and I don’t have to remember so much. I miss the days when my memory was awesome. Probably around my early 20’s. But then my brain started to get crowded with facts and equations….knowledge. Extraneous material left the house and I do not retain much that does not have to do with the current research or project that I am working on. I’ve been called an air head for most of my life because I forget things easily. I know this is a function of focusing on the work that means so much to me. However, my husband is my memory. I tell him stories of incidents on trips  and tell him about important times in my life in hopes that he will remember them for me. I like this about our marriage. In fact, there is not anything that I do not like about marriage to him. Except as previously mentioned, he is late for everything.

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Summer is ending

July 26, 2010

Here I am at the end of July and wondering where the summer went. My kids start school in 2 weeks and my university starts in a month. Now is the time that I need to start thinking about the teaching materials I need for school but am also frantically trying to get some research done. However, research is difficult when I’m still stupid. Pregnancy and lactation definitely affect me and my brain. After my last baby, it took me 7 months to feel smart again so I have at least 4 months more to go. That is basically the fall semester. I can fake it with teaching but with research, it is harder to fake original and creative thinking. My desk is a mess…mail from the summer piled high, articles I’ve set aside to read, basic detritus from zooming in and out all summer long. I’m sad that it has gone so quickly. I definitely don’t feel refreshed or renewed. I feel tired and a bit bitter. Even without work, the care and upkeep for 4 children takes most of my time. I’m not certain how I’m supposed to squeeze work into my day. Luckily, I just got tenure so a drop in productivity is expected, correct?