Archive for April, 2010


Attitude Adjustment

April 21, 2010

Because this is my blog, I can say anything I want on here. I feel depressed. I’m usually an optimist/realist. But I’ve been hit with several events at work that have totally left me defeated. I have zero energy. And guess what! I’m supposed to give birth to a baby soon. I need an attitude adjustment. I went to the doctor yesterday and let her check for progress and I’m only 1 cm. ONE FREAKING CM!! I’ve been walking, taking EPO, dancing in the bedroom, and just about anything I can think of and I have 1 cm to show for it. The doctor wanted to induce today and I refused because I don’t think my body is ready. So, for babyloss moms, you know the situation I’m in. If this one dies now, I’m screwed, it is my fault for not inducing. So, I’m really really grumpy and tired. What a horrible decision. I scheduled for Monday when hopefully something active is going on down there and I’m at least at 2-3 cm. That is what I went in with my now 16 month old and her induction went fine. Yes, it is intense and it hurts to be induced with pitocin and not recommended for anyone with a low pain tolerance but I know I can do it. I just need the energy to do it. I need to flip my mind around and turn into being positive.  I’m frustrated with myself. Normally I have no issues with being positive and rarely ever feel too depressed. Of course, I have off days, OK, I had an off year when Norah died but right now I’m in no condition to have baby. Yeah, I’m doing a little b*tchin’ but I can’t put this anywhere else and DH I’m sure is tired of hearing it. So, out into webworld this goes.

Any suggestions?



April 12, 2010

I know that I have been quiet lately. Two fellow babyloss mom’s had their little ones recently — congrats to the writers at “Still LIfe with Circles” and “Knocked Up/Knocked Down”. Now, I feel alone. I know there are more out there ready to give birth but I haven’t followed their stories. I had a conference in March and now another in April. I’ve been busy busy busy getting ready for presentations and making sure I teach classes. I’ve been waking up early, working all day, and then coming home exhausted. My husband has picked up a lot of slack while I’ve been working hard. Taxes are due soon. We are not done. I’m just now grading midterms that were turned in 3 weeks ago. I spent a solid week preparing  a poster presentation. I

‘m at one of the meetings now, in New Orleans. I’m totally exhausted. When i askedmy OB if going to New Orleans was OK, she said “they have good doctors in New Orleans”. I took the train down. I enjoyed the trip because I could grade at the same time. Although, right now I’m a little bummed. I got a rejection for a journal article. I hate hate hate getting rejected.

On a bright now, I received tenure. I just don’t really feel that much right now. I think I am so worried about this baby that I just can not concentrate. Honestly, I probably only have two weeks left but I have a ton of work that has to be done. I did ask my husband to buy a bottle of dreft so that I could wash the 0-3 clothing. I need to get the bouncy seat and the swing back from the people that borrowed them. The car seat is already installed because we never took it out from the last one. What more do I need?  I get diapers after I know this one is coming home. Yes, I’m still wary.

So this is a mind dump and not anything cohesive. Just letting everyone know that I’m still here. I’ve just been extremely busy and feeling silent. When I work so hard I do not feel like I have extra words or even extra feelings.