Archive for the ‘Kids’ Category



August 18, 2010

I’m stealing this abbreviated word which stand for “What the #uck” from another Mom. I’d hyperlink to it but I don’t know how, its RANTS FROM MOMMYLAND 

This word best describes my evening the other day. I’m trying to get used to a new schedule with my two older kids in school, my rainbow toddler in preschool, my husband coaching high school football, and then my actual job as a university professor starting in full swing again. 

The two older kids — a girl 7, lets call her Drama Girl and a boy 5, lets call him Karate Boy — enjoy going to a gym where they let the kids play basketball, baseball, soccer, and learn karate. On Monday afternoon, there was basketball at 4-5 pm, which Drama Girl loves, and karate from 6-7 pm, which Karate Boy loves (obviously).  I figured that I would have Coach (my husband) drop of the baby(I’ll call him Sunshine– 4 months old), Drama Girl and Karate Boy at my office at 3:15 so I could feed Sunshine and then take the kids to the gym, go pick up my rainbow toddler at daycare (21 months old) and make sure I’m back to the gym by 5 pm. Then I would go to McD. to eat with the kids and go back to the gym at 6 for karate. Feed Sunshine and Rainbow in the car and then pick up the older two at 7 pm. Rush home and get ready for bed.  Sounds like a plan right?

My plan was working perfectly until eating food at McD. Just me and four kids cause Coach is coaching. Karate Boy and Drama Girl went to go play while Sunshine and Rainbow came with me to go order. Of course, Rainbow wasn’t happy because the other kids were playing so I was kind of dragging her. While waiting for the order, Karate Boy came out to say that some boy bit him. I couldn’t really figure out what was going on so I just asked him to stay with me. Then with a very overloaded tray, cause really, who is going to help a lady with a heavy tray, carrying a baby in a carseat with a toddler dragging on her leg and a 5 year old in tow? I sat down. At this place, the seaingt in the playarea was like picnic tables which made me to wonder where to put Sunshine. I left him strapped in the baby carseat and set him on one of the benches, he was pretty solid there and Karate Boy couldn’t knock him off. I put Rainbow in a high chair and started to put food out. Karate Boy wouldn’t eat because he was traumatized by his bite wound. The kid who bit him was 2 years old but a hellion, running around everywhere causing mayhem. Karate Boy was scared of him and he wouldn’t show me where he was bit. Honestly, I just wanted to see if the skin was broken but he made a huge scene because I’m assuming he didn’t want to be embarrassed. I let it drop. I’m giving all the kids food. And all of a sudden I hear a crash noise. I was approximately 1 foot from Sunshine in the baby carrier but it was enough….enough to let the hellion by me and FLIP HIM ALL THE WAY OVER. Yes, that kid pulled Sunshine in the carseat to the floor and on the way down he flipped upside down. I scream OMG!!! and quickly righted him and got him out. Sunshine screamed about 5 seconds, mainly because he didn’t know what just happened. Do you know what the parents of that kid did? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Glanced over, said, oh the baby is OK and kept talking. Granted I was too worried about Sunshine to chastize the hellion kid. Seriously, they didn’t do anything to the kid, not even leave. They were not even embarrassed.

Sunshine was acting fine and not sleepy or grumpy. He didn’t hit anything but was just scared. Lesson learned — I need to watch out for other kids near my kids — along with my other super mom duties. I got everyone back in the car, back to the gym, karate outfits on, and fed Sunshine again. At 6:30, Sunshine, Rainbow and I went into the gym to watch karate. Rainbow was getting tired and when that happens she is not stable on her feet and tends to fall. As she was walking down the hall, she fell on the hard  linolium floor, apparently HEAD FIRST. Immediately, a golf ball sized lump appears on her forehead and she is screaming and crying. I laid Sunshine in the floor and sat on the floor with her to rock her and comfort her. The bruise is huge and I’m sure she had a headache. Finally karate was over, I drove home and started getting ready for bed. Coach came home to help with the older ones. After everyone was asleep, I had to drink a couple of beers to calm down. I am not ever doing that again — taking two classes separated by an hour — by myself.

Then, last night, Drama Girl ran into the wall as she was walking to put her dishes up from dinner. I don’t know how this happened. As a result, her nose exploded with blood. Nice.  Four kids hurt in two days. I’m on a roll.



August 6, 2010

I’ve taken on the task of cleaning my kitchen counters before school starts again. This is where mail piles up, fliers, the kids artwork, and all sorts of detritus. I decided that I was going to go get some large tupperware boxes to stick all of the kids stuff in that I want to keep for the future–everything from their first ultrasounds to the card they made me for mother’s day. I went to a large box store and found the size I wanted but there were only 4 left. Not 5. Only 4. I was immediately struck with indecision. Do I purchase only 4 and know that I am not treated Norah the same or do I not get what I want and hope that someday I’ll remember to go to the store again?  Immediacy won out. If I didn’t do it then, it would never get done. I consoled myself knowing that Norah doesn’t have as much stuff so I don’t need one like theirs. 

A couple of days later, I was putting their names on the boxes. I have 4 boxes with my children’s names on them stacked up, but not one for Norah. Uuugh. I hate it, I hate that she will never need a box like theirs. I put everything I could find from various drawers and hide-e-holes that the kids should keep for the future in those boxes and then collected Norah’s stuff in what I refer to as the “dead drawer”. This is a small space in the vanity in my bathroom where I put stuff relating to dead people in there. I put old cards, pictures, letters, and other dead memorabilia. My Mom’s stuff is in there, my Grandmother’s stuff is in there, and now Norah’s stuff is finally in there.  I will probably get her a smaller box just so that when the boxes are stacked, I can see her name on there, with the other children.

Last night, as I was putting the older two to sleep, we were talking about seeing each other in the morning. You know…
“I’ll see you in the morning, love you.” then I said,

“Little sister will see you in the morning also and little brother.”

My 5 year old boy said “But not Norah, Norah always sees us.” I said “Yes, she always watches over you”. Oh, how I wish we could see her in the morning too.


Crazy Bird

June 1, 2010

At night when I’m up with TJ — feeding, rocking, and holding, I hear a bird. There is a songbird in my backyard that has its days and nights confused. It sings at all hours of the night. Frankly, it messes up my internal clock because I think it is morning when it is only midnight or two a.m.

I can’t figure out why it is singing at night. It really sounds jolly when I’m so grumpy. The bird has its days and nights mixed up; I thought only babies did that. I think maybe it might just be blind or maybe the bird is happy no other birds are around to screw up his/her singing. I can be lying there or sitting there with TJ and the bird just goes off. Its disconcerting but makes a little happy to know that something else is staying up at night too.

Then my mind has wandered down the path of whether there are any old wife’s tales about birds singing at night. I don’t remember any so I don’t think it is a bad/good omen. I just think the bird is crazy. At least I have a nighttime companion.


OB Appt

March 17, 2010

I had an appointment with the doctor yesterday. I go every 2 weeks now, normally the same — weight (gaining too much), blood pressure (always fine), measuring (always measuring big), baby’s heart beat (130 ish). Until the final sentence in our conversation

“Do you want to start non-stress tests?”.

I said, “nah, I’m good.” 

She looked at me kind of funny so I said, “What does that face mean?”

She said, “You’re 33 weeks soon.”

“Yeah, so…?”

She said, “We usually need 4 weeks of baseline measurements before we deliver. You should start NST’s this week.”

4 WEEKS !!!!  Crap, I don’t think I’ll be delivering the baby in 4 weeks. But, there it is. The possiblity that we could have another little one in 4 weeks. I’m thinking more like 6 weeks. My husband was just getting over me telling him that it was no longer 7 weeks but 6 weeks (he doesn’t keep track). The timing all depends upon my strength, my ability to endure the stress of believing that my baby has died or is just about ready to die every single day, my mental state and of course, the results of the NST’s.

As a result, I felt ultra-vigilent all day yesterday and today. Baby is moving too much. Doesn’t that sound insane but I truely believe that Norah was is distress and moving way too much the last couple of days and I didn’t realize it because I didn’t know a baby could move too much. I’m paranoid, seriously, I’m looking forward to my NST on Friday. I need reassurance that baby is not in distress, that it is just me in distress.


Everyday Discussions

March 1, 2010

Yesterday I was making sure my 7 year old was buckled in her seatbelt after a nice day at the zoo. She said that she wanted to sit in the back of the van because she likes it there. No problem, let’s ask E. if he’ll switch. Of course, he did. As she was getting down I said, “After this little one is born, you’ll always have to be in back, there will not be a choice.”  She looked at me square in the eyes and said, “Mom, you can not be sure that this one will live.”  Ouch.

I told her that she was correct and that I could not guarantee it but that I hoped this one would live. “Me too” she says and skips around the car. The talk of dead and life are intertwined in our household. At dinner the topics range from how long people live, to how people die, to what makes us alive. The 7 year old likes to watch shows about doctors like emergency in the er and other Discovery Health programs. She will also watch Dr. G the medical examiner. Some kids react very sensitively to the death of their sibling. Whereas, my kids have taken a more practical approach — understanding life and death and the physical processes involved. I told my husband that we are going to have to get a well illustrated anatomy book soon because I don’t think my explanations are enough. Any suggestions?



October 8, 2009

I’m going to have a brain dump on here right now. On September 28 and 29, I drove back and forth to Louisiana — 7 hours each way for a conference. I had to prepare the talk and give it the next morning. I spent a grand total of 2 hours at the conference and had to drive back to be home to put the kids to bed. It seemed like such a waste but I needed to fulfill my committment.

After I finished that trip, I immediate worked on the next essential task. My tenure and promotion package was due October 1, so all non-essential thoughts and writings and activities were delayed until I got the package in. After I submitted it, I spent a week trying to dig out from the workload that I created and I’m still doing it. I hope I get tenure but I will still live if I do not. I haven’t given it that much thought — it is a necessary hoop that I have to jump through in academia. I pulled an all nighter, an honest to goodness all nighter the night before it was due. I felt like a college kid again, although my body did not respond well. I did sleep an hour from 5:30 am -6:30 am and then got up to take my daughter to school. I was OK the day after but the day after that, I was totally useless but unable to nap to make up the sleep. I think I’ve recovered, a week later.


For those of you who are baby lost mom’s I’m going to talk about pregnancy right now so you may want to stop reading.

I got an u/s on Tuesday to try and pinpoint a due date. The OB insists on using my LMP which would make it May 5 but I know that I didn’t get pregnant on that regular cycle. If I use a more responsible ovulation date, I get May 10. The u/s gave a date of May 10 but my OB won’t change the May 5th date. There was a heartbeat and maybe really tiny arms and legs but mostly, baby still looked like a bean. 

I am really going to have to work on acceptance at some point. I know it is hard to read this if you have struggled with infertility or have lost a baby but I am still struggling with the gift we have been given. It is not the logistics of a new car or more baby years but more the fact that I am so tired now, every night I fall asleep totally exhausted after speaking maybe 20 minutes to my husband. I get overwhelmed trying to imagine another baby in the house. I know that I have my older kids, and they are a huge help watching and entertaining my littlest one right now. But no one can help me with a baby. My husband does the best he can but the care of a baby falls to me. I think it is the full one year committment that has me overwhelmed. I have field work that needs to be completed, students that need to get work done, and I’m exhausted. Those things won’t happen. I will only be surviving day to day again. With my littlest one being 10 months now, she is only waking twice a night and I can see the end to the babyhood madness. But, now I won’t get a break, I’ll go into another one (hopefully because as we all know, carrying a baby full term doesn’t necessarily mean you get to bring it home). And I desperately want to bring this one home too but I’m tired thinking about it. I’m hoping this is first trimester exhaustion but I have a feeling it is going to stay around another 1.5 years. I have absolutely no right to complain, I had a full term baby after Norah and she is alive and healthy and awesome. Now, I am trying to accept our new gift and challenge. I think this is going to be a gradual process.


On another baby note, I look pregnant. I’m wearing sweatshirts and baggy clothes to try and cover it but when I carry my little one around, which is all the time, my shirt pulls and I have bump. My belly button already sticks out at 9 weeks. I’m not certain how long I can *hide* the bump. I am so dreading the comments “Another one?” “Don’t you know how this happens” “What are you thinking” and my colleagues will roll their eyes and think of the work that they have to take on. But, you know, I’ve had 3 kids while here and I have not taken any time off. NONE. I have had a few professor cover possible 2 weeks of classes after Norah died. So, they can just SUCK IT!  I work as hard as I possibly can and I hate the double standard. I do the same amount of work at this university as a professor who goes home to a stay at home wife and pats his kids on the head. I am the Mom and that means that the extra special cuddles and care come from me, the reading, the conversations — I won’t ignore my kids. I know, a slight tangent, but I’m a little ruffled about academia right now, must be the tenure decision.


I’ve babbled on enough. Norah’s death month is next month and I’m already starting to focus on that. I’m going to try to make the 10 hour journey to where she is buried at Thanksgiving. Plans are not set yet.


I surrender (sort of)

September 23, 2009

Faithful readers of this blog, of which there are at least 3, will recall me wishing for early menopause. I wanted the issue regarding whether or not to have another child to be taken out of my hands. Despite due diligence, I find myself with child again. The decision was taken out of my hands but not the way I thought it would be. I got a positive test at the beginning of September prompting my spiral into “quietdom”. As usual, I’m working on not getting too attached because “bad things happen”. I will have a dr. appt at the beginning of October. I’ll be somewhere between 9-10 weeks along. After which, I’ll proceed to working on acceptance. I’m uncertain of the dates because if I ovulated when I thought I was supposed to, I wouldn’t be pregnant.  So, I find myself in a strange situation. Pregnant but not a planned pregnancy. I always thought having a surprise pregnancy would be cool — no stressing about opk’s or hpt’s every month. What I didn’t factor into my perceived coolness is the surprise. I didn’t spend anytime fanatasizing about this baby, or looking at the calendar, or planning anything. There is an element of building up to becoming pregnant and I missed that. Although, I do admit not have the stress of trying to conceive was awesome. Why so silent?  I’ve been exhausted in silence. I thought I was tired before, now I’m just wiped out, every night. But, I’m not complaining because I’ve never given myself room to complain. As a babyloss mom, I try to be grateful and appreciate every moment that I am given.  Now, I just have to get positive news and then I’ll get used to maybe bringing home a #5.