Archive for September, 2010

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Anxiety

September 9, 2010

I told Coach that I have not been under this much stress since I was finishing my dissertation. There are only a certain number of hours in the day and in that time period, I have to work to earn money for the household; I have to connect with my children and love them so that they don’t grow up thinking I was distant; I have to drive them to practices and pick them up all while listening to music I’m not so fond of; I have to cook dinner and then clean up so we don’t have bugs in the house; I have to make sure homework is done, bodies are clean, and everyone tucked into bed, I have to be a strong, patient, caring, listening wife so I don’t get divorced; I have to breastfeed a 4 month old and take care of him through the night; and somewhere in the day I would like to have a little time to myself. I do all of these things except for the last one. Currently, exercise is scheduled for 6 am which has not happened in the past 3 weeks because Sunshine was going through a growth and awareness spurt and keeping me up all night.  When is it my time?

No time is really my time. I’m somewhat OK with that. All of my hobbies went on hold once I started having kids. Some people will say how unhealthy that is but I don’t see another way around it. There are only 24 hours in a day. If I could make 26 and take 2 hours to do what I like to do then I would do that but I think I have my schedule down to the bare minimum. If I want time for myself it has to happen during sleep time. I’m not sacrificing what little sleep I get because I never know when Sunshine might wake up. I made these choices though. I chose to have children and I like being around them. I have fun and they make me laugh.

However, this schedule = no destress time. The current manifestation of this stress is constant checking to see if I put Sunshine in the car. I have a fear that I’m going to leave him on the sidewalk somewhere. As I put the other 3 in the car, he is always the last one to go in because he can not jump out and run into the street. As I’m driving down the road, every 5 minutes, my mind is jolted with thinking I have left him somewhere. It is scary for the split second that I actually believe myself. The only time my body has to unwind is at night which produces some whacked out stress and anxiety dreams. I am constantly dreaming about how late for an appointment I am, juggling schedules, missing meeting and appointments, and forgetting to put on essential items of my wardrobe. These dreams do not have to be in present day, many of them are from past incidents where I dream about something that already happened but in the dream it does not turn out as smoothly as it actually did in real life.

Last night, I dreamed that I needed to ride in a van to get to a geology field trip. I was staying in a hotel but I needed to go on a field trip. Major incidents happened along with way as I was running to get to the van, and I barely made it before the van left me. Once I was preparing to get in the van, I realized I forgot shoes and a jacket. Then I had to ask everyone in the van to wait on me until I could go back up to my room and get these items. I hate having people wait on me. Going back to the room, I couldn’t catch an elevator so had to go up 3 flights on the stairs and ran into people, couldn’t get out the door so had to up a flight and down and around back to my room. I couldn’t get the door open and when I did, there were multitudes of shoes to chose from and a bunch of kids shoes and I couldn’t find a pair. I grabbed a jacket without incident. On the stairs, I went to put on shoes and realized that they were too small, like half the size of real shoes. So then I had to go back and get different shoes…..well, you get the picture. The dreams are all about forgetting items or being late or missing important appointments. 

I have a reoccurring dream from high school. I did a lot of extracurricular activities in high school which required me to stay organized and have mulitple items with me. This was a football night and I was a majorette. Before the game, I had basketball practice. So, in the morning, I had to remember to bring everything that I need for basketball and for performing (for a majorette, that is a lot of gear). Everything goes smoothly until I’m changing into my majorette outfit and realize that I forgot my undershorts, or whatever the clothing item is called that goes over your underwear to make sure you are not flashing the crowd. I have to call my Mom to bring it and everytime she just barely makes it which produces so much anxiety in me. Sometimes, I forget my baton, sometimes I forget my outfit, or my boots, sometimes I forget to have my hair done, it doesn’t matter….it is all about the stress and anxiety produced by these dreams.

When I’m chilled in life, my dreams are quiet and sweet but when I’m stressed my dreams react in a similar fashion. Thankfully no one dies in the dreams, and it is kind of nice to go back to a time when my Mom and Dad were alive (and my baby wasn’t dead). However, I could do without dreaming at all. I don’t think I need to add more stress and anxiety in my life. If dreams are about working out details and issues in your conscious life then I think I would be more productive dreaming about geology.

What do you dream about?