Archive for September, 2009

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Curious

September 27, 2009

For the past two weeks, my blog has been getting hits from people searching for “mirne and craig,  mirne and craig blog,  freyja-kees-lovedsomuch,  mirne craig” and I really didn’t know why. Yes, the story was terrible but seriously, what were people looking for?  I went searching on babylost blogs and found my answer. It seems some people suspect their story. Other things happened that I won’t mention here. This caused me to inspect how I felt about it. Was I angry? Indifferent? It turns out that the grief I hold for this couple is not aimed at the couple. It is aimed at all families with multiple late-full term losses. I know these people exist. I definitely know people that have had two, so why not three. I also think that the universe is so unpredictable that this could happen. I believe everything that people write about the loss of children and I don’t understand why people who make things up. I know there are people called “trolls” but I don’t understand them and expend no effort thinking about them. So, in reference to the couple in question, I have not stayed up at night to worry about what happened or didn’t happen, rather all my anxiety, grief, and fear is directed to those to whom it has happened and the realization that the death of a child could happen again.

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I surrender (sort of)

September 23, 2009

Faithful readers of this blog, of which there are at least 3, will recall me wishing for early menopause. I wanted the issue regarding whether or not to have another child to be taken out of my hands. Despite due diligence, I find myself with child again. The decision was taken out of my hands but not the way I thought it would be. I got a positive test at the beginning of September prompting my spiral into “quietdom”. As usual, I’m working on not getting too attached because “bad things happen”. I will have a dr. appt at the beginning of October. I’ll be somewhere between 9-10 weeks along. After which, I’ll proceed to working on acceptance. I’m uncertain of the dates because if I ovulated when I thought I was supposed to, I wouldn’t be pregnant.  So, I find myself in a strange situation. Pregnant but not a planned pregnancy. I always thought having a surprise pregnancy would be cool — no stressing about opk’s or hpt’s every month. What I didn’t factor into my perceived coolness is the surprise. I didn’t spend anytime fanatasizing about this baby, or looking at the calendar, or planning anything. There is an element of building up to becoming pregnant and I missed that. Although, I do admit not have the stress of trying to conceive was awesome. Why so silent?  I’ve been exhausted in silence. I thought I was tired before, now I’m just wiped out, every night. But, I’m not complaining because I’ve never given myself room to complain. As a babyloss mom, I try to be grateful and appreciate every moment that I am given.  Now, I just have to get positive news and then I’ll get used to maybe bringing home a #5.

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Awareness

September 10, 2009

Over the past week, I’ve felt it building. I see clearly and then hide. Bear with me for this is going to be a rambling blog as I try to express myself. Live each moment in awareness. Make each moment count. Lately the times of awareness have been more frequent. I get scared and try to crawl back into blissful cloudiness. Why hide? The awareness, seeing clearly that each moment of the day is past and I will never get that back, it is almost too much. It overwhelms my senses. I am aging, my kids are aging, I can’t change what happened yesterday, I can only focus on the now.  I will die and what will remain? Nothing. Memories that my kids will have and then when they die, maybe nothing remains. A book, a journal article, a poem, jotted down. The immensity of being nothing is overwhelming. It is easier to hide. Hide in regular life. Go to work, take the kids to school, feed the baby, feed myself, go to sleep….oh, I had a baby that died and I can never get that time back. She is gone, she is dead. My Mom is dead. My Dad is dead. There is only Now. The largeness of world and the insignificance of my life are clashing and battling with the knowledge that I have created a smaller world where I can hide myself and matter to those around me.

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Light

September 7, 2009

I was walking in the park the other day. One of the two days that I actually get to exercise. I have it on my Outlook schedule…in bold pink. It says “Exercise (Outside)” …just to remind myself that walking the hallways is not exercise.  I came upon a dog on a leash. The dog looked truely menacing and I was happy that it was leashed. The owner said as she pulled the leash “come along fuzzy”  Fuzzy? Fuzzy? You named that mean looking dog fuzzy? Why is it that the little tiny lap dogs are named “Boxer” or “Killer” and the big mean looking ones are “Fuzzy” or “Precious”?

I see lots of strange behaviors from owners and dogs on this walk that I get to do twice a week. It gives me something to do as I try to shut my mind down from work related business.

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Send Strength to Mirne and Craig

September 3, 2009

Tonight as I sit at this computer, the tears are streaming down my face. I learned yesterday of a mom, a babylost mom, who had lost 2 babies –viable, beautiful babies and then, it happened again two days ago, she lost a third. Another full term loss…. I am so sad for this mom. I would love to post the link but I don’t really know how so here is her blog (her and her husband).

freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com

How can it happen 3 times?  I feel like screaming. WHY??

ETA: Sept. 26 2009: The blog above was removed from public view and made private. No need to search for it.