Archive for November, 2010


3 Years

November 18, 2010

November 18, 2010

3 years.

How should I feel today? How should I function?

3 years ago my baby daughter died.

I exhale with relief knowing that time has helped me and that I will never return to that time again.

I knit my brow with concentration when I think of Norah.

How did it feel to hold her? What did she smell like? How did she like to move in my womb?

I feel loss. I feel disappointed that she did not stay in human form. I feel guilt as a mother because I could not hold her to this world.

Yet, I feel love. I feel the maternal bond, even across the different worlds.

On the day that marks 3 years since she left, I feel “normal”, mostly.

I feel like the big invisible sign over my head that says “My baby died” has faded. I feel that people relate to me on a normal level and look to me to be a leader in compassion.

I can smile when I think of Norah, instead of crying.

I still get emotional and on days like today, the wound seems fresh. But, I know it is not. I know that it is my mind that is returning to the emotions of the past.

I have always felt like I needed to write to other Mom’s who have lost their children, whether on chat boards or on blogs, to tell them that it will be OK with time, that their child is missed and what a wonder parent they are. I want to let those Mom’s know that someone understands. Lately, I have found myself replying less and less. It is because the emotions that are wrapped up in replying to a Mom that lost her child inevitably tumble me back into grief. Children keep dying and I can not stop it. Yet, I want to be happy, and continuing to put myself into grief does not further happiness.

I’ve stopped myself from reliving every moment of those last couple of days that she was alive.

I think that is what I am expected to do but I don’t want to do it.

The thought creeps into my mind…, “3 years ago she was alive” and I banish it.

Now, my thoughts say, “3 years ago I was a living zombie, in shock, fearful, sad, grieving” and I banish it. I do not want those emotions to stay with me.

Yes, Norah died. It was a terrible experience but, I am making a choice not to relive it again and again.

Instead, I focus on the fact that I helped her. I helped her come to the human form to learn what she needed to learn for her to grow. I did what every mother wants to do for their children—she wants to help them. I will see Norah again when I leave this human form. I will commune with her and understand who she is, and possibly understand why she had to go. Until then, I intend to be happy with my other children, to take care of them and watch them grow into adulthood, to take advantage of this human experience, and to spend the rest of life playing and having fun with my husband.

Some might say 3 years is a long amount of time or maybe a short amount of time. I say that time is irrelevant. My baby died and time will never heal the wounds. Time has allowed me to incorporate the loss into my life and return to enjoying life. For that, I am grateful.