Archive for March, 2009

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Living

March 31, 2009

I found this on another mom’s website. It resonates with me.

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass…..it’s about learning how to dance in the rain”  Author Unknown

For all my friends experiencing heartache and pain, I am sending you peace and strength.

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Stress and Dreams

March 27, 2009

Anxiety and stress wreak havoc on my sleep schedule. The last year in my undergraduate education I only slept and average of 3 hours a night. I learned you really can sustain yourself for an extended period of time with no sleep. These poor sleeping habits led me to develop crappy adult sleeping patterns. I spent 6.5 years in graduate school, waking up to write down thoughts and experiments, tending to experiments into the wee morning hours, writing papers, etc… I was an insomniac. I started waking about 2 am to work. As a professor, I tried to improve my sleep because my body was breaking down and I needed all my energy during the day for my kids.  But, I still woke up at 2 am and sometimes didn’t go back to sleep until 5 am.

Then Norah died and I did not sleep. The only way I slept for the entire year after was with Ambien. I know people dis sleeping pills but seriously, I could deal with life because I could escape into sleep. Then, my little one was born. I finally slept. When my little one sleeps, I sleep. But, preparing for this upcoming trip to India has stressed me again. I wake. I woke up at 2 am last night. I actually woke my little one up to feed her, since I was up already. I woke the night before also.  I   can    not   go   back   to    sleep. I start listing things I have to do. I turn on the T.V. to drown out the thoughts of all I have to do. 

Finally, 3 hours later, I fell into a fitful sleep. I had a dream that someone babynapped my little one.  I had turned my back on my little one, who was laying on an elevated flat surface to talk to DD1 and when I turned back, she was gone. We were in a park and all the entrances were sealed by the police. I woke up during this frantic search to find her.  With Ambien, I blessedly did not recall any dreams (for I’m sure I always dreamed about Norah’s death). But with a little one waking me during REM sleep I have been remember many of my dreams.  I dream of my Mom who passed almost a year ago. I dream scary dreams and sad dreams. Is dreaming just working out your fears from our present life? Or does it have to do with other worldly mental connections? Past lives?

I don’t know. All I know is that I dream.

What do you dream about?

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Spring

March 20, 2009

It’s spring. I told my son this and he asked to go to the pool. Oh, the mind of a child. For me, spring is a bag of mixed emotions. I’ve always loved the metaphor of comparing spring and birth, the smell of the trees, flowers and the warm sun.

Here in Alabama, the misquitoes have been out for months. I don’t think they die, I think they just go to a corner and grow bigger during the winter. My kids are scared of misquitoes, like normal kids would be scared of bees. I can’t really figure it out. They won’t kill them; they just run from them. Spring is sad also because they things are being “born” now will die in the fall. One might say, enjoy it while they are here.  To which, I have so many primal urges to yell at, that I just don’t have the energy to write about it. Suffice to say, I hate that response. Spring has sprung (see earlier Blooming Post).

Our door on our house swings open sometimes without prompting. This doesn’t freak me out but gives me an opportunity to think of Norah. I always welcome her into the house when that happens. Our house is also prone to random noises late at night, to which I always respond by welcoming Norah again. If I were to have a haunted house, I would want it to be haunted by Norah.

I miss you dear girl, you would have been 16 months old on the 18th.

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Stimulus (updated)

March 16, 2009

I learned today thay all I really need to do to get my $1,000,000 in stimulus funding is to be at a large insurance company or bank and make some poor business decisions. Then, I can get a bonus for my poor judgement.

Job Wanted:

Looking for a job as a financial consultant at a large insurance company or bank that the government has deemed too large to fail. Qualifications: exceedingly poor business skills, like to risk other people’s money, skilled at covering my tracks, morally uninhibited concerning money.

Think I can get a job?

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U.S.E.

March 16, 2009

Someday I’ll learn how to link posts. Not today. I was reading another person’s babyloss blog the other day and she referred to the death of her child as the “Ultimate Shitty Event” or U.S.E. She stated that she used think soon after a loss that it could not get any worse than losing your baby. But her mind has changed now that she has had some time to separate from the event. I can only imagine one more event that would be even shittier….the death of one of my children who have been with me for a couple of years. That prospect terrifies me. I just want to lock them in the house with me. Of course, they would trash the house but they would still be alive.

*****

Last night DD1 asked “Is God Fast?” I asked her what she meant, she said “You know, does he run really fast?”. 

ME: “Honey, God is not a person.” 

DD1 “He’s not???”. 

ME: “No, he is like a spirit”

DD1: “What’s a spirit?”

ME: “You know how we talk about Norah as being an angel and being close to our hearts?  Kind of like that”

The spirit world is tough to explain because I don’t have all the answers.

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STTN

March 13, 2009

I think I’m interested in acronyms now. I don’t text and have struggled to learn the shorthand people use when posting on chat boards and blogs. While reading a blog yesterday, I learned that I am sooo 2002. The comment was something to the effect of “discussion boards are so 2002” and that blogs are the new way of communication. So, I’m 7 years behind….I think that is pretty good considering I just got a cellphone two years ago (reminder: renew cell phone plan) and I still can’t program in a name or number …. thanks dear husband. 

I still use adobe illustrator 10 when apparently there is a creative suite 3 or something like that. I’m always behind the times. I’m comfortable with the technology that I am using at the time. I don’t overachieve and live on the cutting edge of technology. As can be witnessed in this blog where I can barely figure out how to post.

What was I writing about? Oh, acronyms. I’ve noticed a new one STTN — sleeping through the night. Is your son/daughter STTN? I couldn’t figure it out for a long time….it is a disease, a number you are supposed to have, a shot that I didn’t get for my kid?  Nope. Just sleeping through the night. Which is a crazy concept because STTN is considered to be 6 hours for infants. Who can function for an extended period of time on 6 hours?  I did it for about 10 years but can only do it about one night now before I collapse in exhaustion. Yes, my little one is STTN (at least a 6 hour stretch at the beginning sleep time at night).

And while I’m at it, lets discuss OOTO. I recently got this one in an email. First, I thought, “What the heck is OOTO”. I thought for about 10 minutes before placing into context and figuring it must mean Out Of The Office. Now, I like to use it in everyday speaking to my colleagues because of the way it sounds.

What is your favorite acronym?

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Blooming

March 10, 2009

Two weeks ago, I saw the first blossoms on a dogwood tree. I was walking out of a museum from a weekly meeting and BOOM, an explosion of pink. Almost a disgusting toothpaste pink, but lovely perky blooms. The first blooms of the spring. Now what?

Time to call my Mom, like I do every spring so that we can compare when spring arrives here to when it arrives there and can discuss in gory detail which trees are blooming at which time. Wait….she’s dead. There is no one to call to discuss Spring.  So, I will celebrate in silence as I have had to do so much in silence the past 16 months, I know how to do it.