Archive for June, 2009

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I have 4 kids.

June 29, 2009

We made it back home. Yet, my mind is still wandering. Focus is difficult. My mind wanders around the recesses of my consciousness only to return back to Norah. I’m thinking about a dicussion I had with my 6 year old daughter H. at dinner last night. She was talking about how if you want a baby brother or sister all you have to do is say it, and you get it.  I didn’t remind her of the one we didn’t get. I said, ” So, that is it, you just have to say it and it comes.” She said, “Yes, I wanted a baby sister and one came”. So, I said “Do you want another brother or sister?” I just wanted to see what she would say.  H. said, “No, Mom you already have 3 kids, that is enough.” I couldn’t let it pass, I said “No, honey, I have 4”. She said “Oh yes, Norah”.

I am reduced to reminding my kids about Norah. They may forget but I never will. As my mind wandered last night I almost went back to the days after her death to see myself at that time. I almost did….but I pulled back–not willing to feel the pain and the sadness again. It was so fresh and powerful then.  I am afraid it will overwhelm me with sadness yet again. I just did not want to go there. Yet, I know I will go there soon. There is something calling me, wanting resolution. I’m not certain what yet but something is there. I’ll deal with it another day.

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Amos

June 27, 2009

Do you know someone named Amos? Or someone that has lost a baby named Amos?  I think I’m looking for the Mom of Amos. Are you out there? If so, leave me a note. Gotta message for you.

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Happy Anniversary to my parents. Both have passed. I hope you are enjoying each other on the other side. Say “Your Mom loves you” to Norah.

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Remembering….

June 23, 2009

My Mom died 5 months after Norah. I did not grieve as I should have. My heart, mind, and body were deep in grief for Norah. I was still trying to get to the surface through my own pain and sadness. I was growing a new life, the new little one. I remember her. I cried but I did not go deep into my feelings and try to explore them, understand them, dwell in them. I was still and am still processing Norah’s death. Even now, when I think of Mom, I smile. My heart does not sink but soars. I love her; she was a free soul who taught me a lot about taking chances, dreaming, and living. As the youngest of 11 children, I learned from the entire family. Those early years shaped who I am today and I am grateful to my family for the learnings. I always thought I would be taking care of her in her old age. She was only 69 and still got about the house. She had back problems. We had talked and I knew she was going to live with me when she could no longer care for herself. This was a fact and it did not faze me. My Mom took care of me so I was going to take care of her. Instead, I didn’t get the chance. I mourn that lost time. The time that I was supposed to have with my Mom.

Even still, I do not grieve. She lived her life. She was content with who she was and what she had done with her life. But…Norah, did not even get to start. I looked forward to learning her soul, learning her attitudes. But, I didn’t get the chance.  Maybe I am delusional in thinking that I will not get to the point of grieving for my mother. I have grieved a long time for Norah and probed deeply into my own soul. I do not think that I can peel any more layers back. Instead, I remember my mom. I’m happy, joyful, and filled with love for her. She played a very important role in my life and I wish she was still her to continue her presence in my life on this earth. I hear her voice, her laughter, and her comments in my head. I remember with a smile.

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Frustrations

June 19, 2009

Nobody died. Nobody died. Nobody died.

I just keep telling myself that and trying to shake off the frustration that I am experiencing. The part for our work truck can in yesterday. They installed it and drove it. The truck still makes a noise. Diagnosis = the part is defective. They have to order another part, and that means another 4 days of waiting for the part to get to Colorado Springs. We have been delayed for 10 days and it will certainly be 4 or 5 more days before we leave. I look for the positives: nobody died, I’m visiting my sister, time with the kids.  It is just frustrating.

On our tour around Colordo we went to Cortez to see Mesa Verde and found a local fair. We went to Ouray because it is DH’s favorite town. And then to Gunnison because we both like it. The kids had a blast. We found some snow on the high passes and played. We are from the deep south so playing in the snow is a rare treat.

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Also on a positive note, my little one got her first tooth on the 17th. She has been really whinny and waking up alot at night so I figured it had to come soon. I’m so proud. She is 6.5 months old. Sniff, my baby is getting older very quickly. I’m getting all the snuggles I can though before she starts wiggling away from me.

Another positive thing is that I have read two pleasure books. A rare treat for me. I don’t dare check out these novels from the library because I would read them instead of doing work. Ahhhh, so nice.

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Delayed

June 10, 2009

We traveled 3 days from AL to AR, AR to Amarillo, TX and then up to Colorado Springs where I have a sister. We stayed a day and then planned to set off but our truck started making very loud obnoxious noises. So, this morning DH took it to get looked at and something is broken. I don’t know, something about a flywheel. Anyway, we are here a day and a half longer than anticipated. Still 1.5 days up to MT….

The kids are traveling wonderfully and having a great time. Everything is an adventure with him. I’m having so much fun. They want to know about everything so we have had discussions ranging from why the Indians did not have electricity, to how boo boo heal, to why volcanoes go extinct. It is alot of work to travel with them but I really enjoy my kids.  Plus, I like for them to see the United States instead of just the little po-dunk town we live in.

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Away Again

June 5, 2009

The family and I are leaving again. Tomorrow we are setting off to do field work in Montana. We will be driving across the country. I’m one of those people who don’t fear being in the car with the kids for 4 days straight. They all ride pretty good and we stop frequently. Maybe I will be writing differently when I get back but I look forward to the family time and building memories for the kids. It also means I get to talk to my husband more than 20 minutes at night. And catch up on talk radio….

I wish you all Peace and Strength, D.

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Acadamia

June 3, 2009

I’m an untenured professor at a large university. Rocks. I study rocks; I’m a geologist. I travel all over the world to look at…rocks. I’m going up for tenure in October. Do I have enough papers, grants, teaching points, etc…? I don’t know. I’m not stressing over this. Should I be?

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You all know I took my littlest one to India but there is an emptyness that still surrounds me. Norah is not here. Today someone asked how many kids I had. I said only 3, I don’t feel the need to explain to someone I’ll never talk to again about Norah. She noted the gap in ages between my son and the littlest one. I just said yes, there is a gap. But I wanted to scream the heart had been broken during those years and my emotions scattered to the wind….but I just sat there.

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I work in a building with physicists. Yesterday a married couple gave the look at the little one. You know the look. The one where you stare at something because you really want it with a dreamy look in your eyes. In academia, normally the look is giving because professors are so stressed out and overworked that they do not have time for children. They obviously wanted to have a child as they smiled and stared at her. I didn’t say anything just watched. They could be trying to conceive or could have lost a child. But I know that look. I used to look at babies when pregnant with the little one and long for what I couldn’t have…Norah. And prayed that I would be able to hold the one I was carrying alive in my arms.

I often get asked in academia, what is the best time to have babies. The answer is “no time is the best”. With all the requirements that we have there is always something to do….no perfect time. So my advice is to go for when you feel ready because you are never going to find the best time.