Archive for the ‘Pregnancy’ Category

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He’s Here

May 7, 2010

I kept waiting to write this post because I wanted to put up his birth story but I haven’t found the time to write it down.

TJ was born at 4:45 pm on Monday April 26th. 8 lbs and 20 inches long. The labor was not hard until the end…same as the previous one. He arrived safely and I came through unharmed. I’m so happy that he is earthside and with me. The family is getting used to him. Maya is always touching him and trying to prevent the other kids from touching him. TJ is her baby.

I want to announce that I know we are done with having kids. When it was all said and done and I was sitting in the hospital room and all was quiet, I did NOT miss him inside of me. With my other kids, I missed their presence of being with me. I have not once wished that he was still in there or even imagined that he was still there. Thus, I know we are done. My husband is getting a vasectomy in a week.

Thanks to those of you who sent strength to me. I felt the presence of women toward the end. (((HUGS))) d.

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Attitude Adjustment

April 21, 2010

Because this is my blog, I can say anything I want on here. I feel depressed. I’m usually an optimist/realist. But I’ve been hit with several events at work that have totally left me defeated. I have zero energy. And guess what! I’m supposed to give birth to a baby soon. I need an attitude adjustment. I went to the doctor yesterday and let her check for progress and I’m only 1 cm. ONE FREAKING CM!! I’ve been walking, taking EPO, dancing in the bedroom, and just about anything I can think of and I have 1 cm to show for it. The doctor wanted to induce today and I refused because I don’t think my body is ready. So, for babyloss moms, you know the situation I’m in. If this one dies now, I’m screwed, it is my fault for not inducing. So, I’m really really grumpy and tired. What a horrible decision. I scheduled for Monday when hopefully something active is going on down there and I’m at least at 2-3 cm. That is what I went in with my now 16 month old and her induction went fine. Yes, it is intense and it hurts to be induced with pitocin and not recommended for anyone with a low pain tolerance but I know I can do it. I just need the energy to do it. I need to flip my mind around and turn into being positive.  I’m frustrated with myself. Normally I have no issues with being positive and rarely ever feel too depressed. Of course, I have off days, OK, I had an off year when Norah died but right now I’m in no condition to have baby. Yeah, I’m doing a little b*tchin’ but I can’t put this anywhere else and DH I’m sure is tired of hearing it. So, out into webworld this goes.

Any suggestions?

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OB Appt

March 17, 2010

I had an appointment with the doctor yesterday. I go every 2 weeks now, normally the same — weight (gaining too much), blood pressure (always fine), measuring (always measuring big), baby’s heart beat (130 ish). Until the final sentence in our conversation

“Do you want to start non-stress tests?”.

I said, “nah, I’m good.” 

She looked at me kind of funny so I said, “What does that face mean?”

She said, “You’re 33 weeks soon.”

“Yeah, so…?”

She said, “We usually need 4 weeks of baseline measurements before we deliver. You should start NST’s this week.”

4 WEEKS !!!!  Crap, I don’t think I’ll be delivering the baby in 4 weeks. But, there it is. The possiblity that we could have another little one in 4 weeks. I’m thinking more like 6 weeks. My husband was just getting over me telling him that it was no longer 7 weeks but 6 weeks (he doesn’t keep track). The timing all depends upon my strength, my ability to endure the stress of believing that my baby has died or is just about ready to die every single day, my mental state and of course, the results of the NST’s.

As a result, I felt ultra-vigilent all day yesterday and today. Baby is moving too much. Doesn’t that sound insane but I truely believe that Norah was is distress and moving way too much the last couple of days and I didn’t realize it because I didn’t know a baby could move too much. I’m paranoid, seriously, I’m looking forward to my NST on Friday. I need reassurance that baby is not in distress, that it is just me in distress.

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Everyday Discussions

March 1, 2010

Yesterday I was making sure my 7 year old was buckled in her seatbelt after a nice day at the zoo. She said that she wanted to sit in the back of the van because she likes it there. No problem, let’s ask E. if he’ll switch. Of course, he did. As she was getting down I said, “After this little one is born, you’ll always have to be in back, there will not be a choice.”  She looked at me square in the eyes and said, “Mom, you can not be sure that this one will live.”  Ouch.

I told her that she was correct and that I could not guarantee it but that I hoped this one would live. “Me too” she says and skips around the car. The talk of dead and life are intertwined in our household. At dinner the topics range from how long people live, to how people die, to what makes us alive. The 7 year old likes to watch shows about doctors like emergency in the er and other Discovery Health programs. She will also watch Dr. G the medical examiner. Some kids react very sensitively to the death of their sibling. Whereas, my kids have taken a more practical approach — understanding life and death and the physical processes involved. I told my husband that we are going to have to get a well illustrated anatomy book soon because I don’t think my explanations are enough. Any suggestions?

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February 22, 2010

Days like today feel like wasted days. At night I am dreaming of manuscripts that I am writing but then I come to work and have meetings scheduled and no creative time. Now, the day is nearly done. My mind is trashed and I would like to take a nap. I feel like I’m losing my creative juices….some days it is just so easy, today it is not. I’m frustrated by the lack of time. Doesn’t the world realize I only have 9 more weeks to finish everything???? I’m starting to feel the stress of only 9 more weeks. That is where this post stems from….panic, fear, anxiety.

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Optimism

February 14, 2010

Today I received an email for a conference at the beginning of June. “Congrats, you’ve been accepted for the ……”. I feel a little naughty even thinking beyond the birth of this baby. I had to a lot of field work shuffling this summer because I had 3 international trips scheduled and needed to nix them all. I say things like, “Once this baby is here safely, I can do….”   With my last one I had a mental block and could not think beyond the birth but for this one, I have to or else….or else what really?  My students will not get any work done. My work will grind to a screeching halt. My family will go the summer without seeing family. There are worse things (as we all know). The point being is that I have been thinking beyond and accommodating the birth of a child. I will have to get a passport and visa for this baby. I need to check on flights to make sure I pay the taxes for a baby in the lab?  How do I give a talk at a conference with a baby wrapped to me?  I am enjoying the challenge of thinking up solutions but I’m really amazed that I can think beyond. Is it optimism or is it just being naive?  I know what can happen; I just pray that it doesn’t happen again.

I also scheduled a conference 3 weeks before my due date. Why? Because I promised colleagues that I would do it before I knew I was pregnant. In fact, 7 weeks before I am due, I’m chairing another conference in Baltimore. Why?  I thought it was a good idea. Now, all the conferences and committments I made before I was pregnant are piling up. So, I will do it. I’m going to take the train to the one where I’m 37 weeks pregnant so I don’t have to drive. I can sit and do work and get up and walk. I’ve never taken an Amtrak train. I’ve traveled all over Europe on the train but never in the US. I’m looking forward to the experience.

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100 days

February 1, 2010

Two days ago, I past the “100 days” to go mark based on my calculations, not my OB’s.  Down to the double digits. In reality it is probably more like 85 days but that is to hard to acertain. Two weeks ago, I decided to try and walk for 45 minutes everyday until this baby is here, hopefully alive and safe. More realistically, it is has turned to be 6 out of 7 days in the week I have been able to get outside and walk.  I felt like I just needed to get outside and clear my head. I suppose to exercise will do me and baby some good. I admit that it can be kind of boring sometimes because I don’t really think about that much. I try to go as fast as I can possibly go as I waddle down the path.

Three more months. It doesn ‘t seem like that long when I write it but I know from experience that the last 6 weeks is very difficult and time goes by very slowly.