Archive for January, 2011

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Well, maybe not…

January 7, 2011

So, two posts ago, I was trying to talk myself into writing thank you notes to the people in my life to express my gratitude. I don’t think that is going to work out because of my own sloth. When I think about going to the store and shopping for cards, my stomach turns. I am not a shopper and on some level, I fear it. It wastes time and not an enjoyable activity. I usually keep a list and then go on a kamokazee shopping blitz to get what we need. I don’t browse. Maybe, to express my gratitude, I’ll pick one day out of the week to write a blog post about how much I am thankful for that person/thing. That may be more manageable.

Classes start on Wednesday but I am been furiously working since classes ended in the Fall. I sent out some fellowship applications for sabbatical, I completed a federal grant, a scheduled some research trips. The result being is that I’m not ready to begin the Spring semester and all of the responsibilities that go along with my faculty position. I am going to better at managing my time which means less internet time during the day and more active work. I do best when I set a timer in the morning to check email/internet sites and then close it all down for the rest of the day. That is my plan. The purpose is to use my time more effectively so my stress level does not rise to unmanageable levels. When I get stressed, I get sick. When I am sick, I don’t want to cook and am short with my kids/Coach. When I am sick, I need to lay flat on my back for at least 30 minutes to make the pain stop. When I lay down, nothing gets done. If nothing gets done, then I have to stay up later to finish it which leads to decreased sleeping time. My sleep time is already decreased with an 8 month old feeding all night long. Then I wake up sleepy, my productivity is decreased at work. When my productivity decreases, I get stressed. And the cycle starts over. The way to stop the cycle is to stop the stress and anxiety to begin with. I know why it happens. It is just not that easy to break the cycle.

What do you do when you are stressed?

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Sound the Alarm

January 1, 2011

My husband let me go back to sleep this morning. I was up last night making sure we stayed clear of a tornado. The sirens went off so I woke to track the tornado on TV to make sure we were clear. I woke up exhausted this morning and he let me go back to sleep.

My first dream that I remember in 2011

All of us had gone to a place to go shopping, it was designed more like a shopping center in Japan, sleek, sliver, stuffed with gadgets. We pulling into the shop, full service, you parked the cars in the shop. And we got out but there were no carts nearby. We went through the process of getting everyone out and walking to find a cart. We were gone maybe 3 minutes and I counted….4 kids, 1,2,3,4, someone is missing!! Count again. Panic. Only 4 are here. I ran back to the car, there was a car seat with blankets but no baby. My baby girl was gone!!!! I ran to the front desk and make the clerk but the alarm that sealed all the doors so no one could get out. My baby GIRL was missing. Then, I woke up. I woke up with the panic and fright of a Mom who has lost their kid in a store or a playground–the constricting of the throat, the confused brain, the panic. Usually, we find the kid and we can hug them and return to normal. I woke up knowing that I would never find that baby. The one missing in my dream was a girl, with a girl carseat and a girl blanket. It was Norah, she was gone, she is the 5th child.  She is gone and physically she is never returning to me. I wanted those alarms sounded, I wanted everyone is the store to hunt for her, I wanted my baby. I still want her. I am glad the dream did not continue because I do not want to face the emotions, pain, and grief when the store was searched and Norah was not there.

This dream shows me that even though I am 3 years out, I still have a lot of pain and grief in me, a lot of disbelief. This dream came to me on the first day of the New Year of 2011.