Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

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Dreams

July 29, 2010

One of the *perks* of having a small baby is waking at night multiple times. For me, it allows me the possibility of remembering what I am dreaming. I do remember a dream I had two nights ago about a long time friend of mine, Nadine. The memory is kind of patchy but here is what I do remember….

My husband and I were driving furiously away from something and I was covered in blood. He asked me what happened, I said that I didn’t know what happened and asked why we were driving fast. He said that he found me unconcious covered in blood but it wasn’t my blood, that is was my friend Nadine’s blood. I asked him where she was and he said that she was dead beside of me. I freaked out. Had I killed her? Why was I covered in blood? Why are we driving away?  He said he didn’t know so we turned but thought I might be in trouble. We decided to go to the police. It turns out that my fingerprints were all over the knife that killed her also and much of the evidence pointed to me doing it. However, I didn’t remember what had happened. The dream wound onward and I figured out that somebody was trying to set me up for the murder of my friend. I had a trace of drugs in my system that made me not remember anything. Then I woke up because my baby was hungry and stirring.

I don’t think it means anything. It is probably a function of watching too many of those mysteries on TruTV. I do remember the feeling of horror when I thought I had killed her. Then, the feeling of vindication after I figured out I was being set up. Strange that those feelings remain as if they were feelings that occurred during my waking hours. I don’t remember all of the dream, mainly the feelings.

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Barely here

November 24, 2009

Sometime I feel like I am barely here. I look up and I’ve lost hours out of my life. What was I doing? Time is a mystery to me. Some days are excruciating to get through and other days it is if I barely blinked. Missing Time — I call it. I know the pyschologists have some explanation for this but I’ve forgotten what it was, obviously my long term memory did not think it was important. I can read a book and forget almost immediately what it was about. What a waste it seems. I could have been doing something else with that time, like cleaning the kitchen. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for something. Is this my subconcious still waiting for Norah to come?  I just feel like sitting and waiting. Odd. Rambling is what I am doing. I just find it an odd common occurrence.

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Light

September 7, 2009

I was walking in the park the other day. One of the two days that I actually get to exercise. I have it on my Outlook schedule…in bold pink. It says “Exercise (Outside)” …just to remind myself that walking the hallways is not exercise.  I came upon a dog on a leash. The dog looked truely menacing and I was happy that it was leashed. The owner said as she pulled the leash “come along fuzzy”  Fuzzy? Fuzzy? You named that mean looking dog fuzzy? Why is it that the little tiny lap dogs are named “Boxer” or “Killer” and the big mean looking ones are “Fuzzy” or “Precious”?

I see lots of strange behaviors from owners and dogs on this walk that I get to do twice a week. It gives me something to do as I try to shut my mind down from work related business.

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Minutia

August 7, 2009

Last night I was standing in front of the sink preparing to brush my teeth. We currently don’t have a tube a toothpaste, just a plastic bottle. With a tube of toothpaste, you can squeeze and some will come to the top (this is not a discussion on whether your significant other squeezes in the center of the tube making you always squeeze at the bottom to get toothpaste out; Dh does this all of the time). However, with these plastic bottles you have to turn it update down and give it a thump because the mixture is viscous, kind of like getting ketchup or mustard out of the bottle. Instead of thumping it, because a toothbrush is always in my other hand, I just give it shake. You know the kind of shake I’m talking out. Imagine…ketchup stuck up in a bottle and you have to shake it to get it out. In order to harness acceleration on the outer part of an arc, I give the bottle of whing. This involves opening the top, holding it upright, and very quickly turning it so the opening faces downward. This usually forces the toothpaste to the top so I can squeeze some out.

Last night, I opened the top of the toothpaste and gave it a whing, watched some toothpaste go flying out of the opened top, squeezed some on my toothbrush, and brushed my teeth. Afterwards, I investigated where the toothpaste had been flung. I turned my head to the left (toothbrush is always in my left, bottle of toothpaste being whinged is always in my right) and saw a wall that was absolutely covered in white spots in various stages of splatter. At first, I thought it must be DH’s shaving cream. Upon further investigation, I found that it was toothpaste…..from me….whinging the bottle night after night and being too tired to realize I was throwing toothpaste everywhere.

Like blood splatter analysis, I conducted analysis on the toothpaste splatter. You can determine the angle and trajectory of each whing of the toothpaste bottle. Yep, definitely from me, can’t blame DH on this one. I have been so busy over the past months (?, I don’t know how long this has gone on) that I don’t even realize I’m doing it and then I run off to go do my next task. Now, I could dwell on the fact that I would know about this mess if I ever cleaned the bathroom; however, no dwelling here. DH cleans the bathrooms, not me. I hate that task so he does it. Obviously, it hasn’t been done in a while.

I thought for a moment about how to get the white toothpaste off of the mint green walls (color was there when we moved in). But I didn’t give it too much thought because I realized I was in the middle of doing the dishes. I rushed off to complete that task. My toothpaste splattered wall is still there. Someday, I am going to have enough time to clean it.

How do you get dried toothpaste off of a painted wall? Does a magic eraser work for that also?

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the next phase

August 4, 2009

Two weeks ago, I was driving around DH’s hometown and he was giving me directions while at the same time giving me directions for going somewhere else the next day. I am a map person, I love maps and 3 dimensional images so I draw maps in my head when someone gives me directions. However, for nearly 20 years my DH has had to give me directions in his home area where he grew up. Then, two weeks ago, the map in my head actually made sense. All the road come together correctly, the spatial location of landmarks made sense, the way to get to places finally had its own place in my brain. And the only thing I could think of was….

YIPPEE, I’m smart again!!!

Everyone knows that pregnancy wipes out the brain. Lists became integral to my life, constant reminders by my DH were a must. But, I’ve been pregnant or post-baby, or post-death of a baby for nearly 3 years. That means I have not been smart for 3 friggin’ years!  …a long time in academia.  I’ve survived but my life has been managed by to do lists and just powering through material. Now there is actuallly a possibility that I will do some creative, original thinking. That possiblity is so exciting to me.

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On another note, I reread my previous post. I want to apologize to my friends in blog-o-land who are experiencing some form of infertility. I know that you would love to have the chance to choose whether or not to have a baby. It is insensitive to not think of you. However, I’m going to leave the post because those are my thoughts and this is my blog for putting my lost baby mama thoughts out there into the world.

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Back Again

July 24, 2009

Tonight DD, who is 6.5 years said “Mom, if you had a million dollars, you would keep it in your closet, so it wouldn’t blow away.”  Hmmm, I guess that is one place to keep it, if I had a million dollars. I think she gets this from the offhanded comments they say “I want ____ and ____” and I say, when you earn a million dollars you can buy that. She also wants to have a car without a roof (a convertible) and live in Hollywood. If that is not the influence of T.V. I don’t know what is. I monitor their T.V. watching but it is the commercials that are dangerous. That makes a good argument for getting Tivo.

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We have been gone on vacation to the beach and visiting the inlaws. It is good to be home.

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Tonight I was watching an episode on HGTV where this guy would come in and fix a house that contractors messed up. I have no idea what it is called. But I watched it because I was feeding the little one. The builder kept referring to all of the upgrades he put into the house because they were about to have a baby e.g. a hepa filter. The lady was nearly full term and was ripe with pregnancy. Of course, he did a very good job on the house. At the end when the sh0w was ending, a black screen came up that said “In Memory of Baby Emma, June 2007”. I cried. I thought HGTV would be safe. Then I lit a candle for Baby Emma which burned all evening. Why? Because I know the pain and sadness that couple experienced. I know they miss their baby Emma. So Baby Emma, I hope you are with the rest of the little babies who died too soon and are at peace.

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Unfocused

July 1, 2009

6 weeks into the summer and I have done absolutely nothing at work. I’ve mostly been in the field or attempted to be in the field. This has left me extremely unfocused at work. I went in yesterday only to sit and try to figure out where I was when I left. I hate feeling this way. So, I end up wasting time surfing the internet. Yes, wasting time. I hate wasting time but it makes me feel productive….like I’m doing something. However, I’m not really doing anything…just bouncing from a loss blog to a friends blog to an interesting article and probably not retaining one word. Today, I promise to make lists and try to obtain some focus.

And I need a vacation, any last minute ideas on where to go?  My kids want to go to the beach. Does anyone know of deals on hotels or beach house on the southeast coast or around the Gulf of Mexico? See, I’m that unmotivated. I can’t even plan a vacation.