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It is that time of year again

November 17, 2012

The sun dims in the afternoon sky. A chill covers me early in the afternoon. The smell of decaying leaves, the long shadows, and the crisp air constantly remind me of Norah. I am two days away from 5 years and every hour I am reminded of her.

Five years ago, I was teaching my last class with her….

Five years ago, I was walking in the woods with her…

Five years ago, I was preparing for labor…

Five years ago, my daughter died.

I mourn her, not like the immediate aftermath but still, I mourn her. I feel her around sometimes. But, I am sure that it is just my imagination…a protective barrier devised by my brain to shelter me. I tell myself that I can not feel her because I have convinced myself that she was born into another life. I hope to meet her someday. Therefore, I can not feel her because she is in this this world.

I have devised many mechanisms to shield me from pain. I could write pages about the different tactics I have used in the past and in the present to allow myself to function in everyday life. My favorite is that death is not a end but a beginning. However, I don’t know that. I’ve never died (at least that I can remember).

Words like I think or I believe or I feel are not part of my everyday vocabulary. I am a scientist. I only seek the truth. My profession does not allow me to express ambiguity. Yet, at the end of the day, I think Norah is around; I believe she is living a fulfilling life; I feel like I will meet her again.

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