March 31, 2011

I forgot what my blog was called. For a bit, I didn’t know what to click on. I’ve let it languish, without attention.

The Spring is difficult for me. My baby died in November yet the season that is difficult is the Spring. Flowers are blooming, plants are growing, the days grow longer, new lives = new beginnings. Except for my daughter. My daughter no longer lives. I love the smells, the growing, the life. And yet, it makes me sad. The sadness is not crippling but it is dibilitating. I find it hard to concentrate, to function. Yesterday I had difficult doing a basic trigonometry problem. I was frustrated that I could not figure out which buttons to push on my calculator. It was an easy problem, but so hard for me to figure out. I have so many stresses right now but the sadness has numbed me. I tell myself that I am tired. I haven’t slept well lately. But I know it is because I am grieving the loss of my daughter. My mother died at this time of year 3 years ago. I grieve the loss of a confidant. We talked several times a week and then we didn’t. A sudden loss that sent me reeling after my daughters death. As everyone else is enjoying walking in park, playing outside, and returning to life. I mourn. I grieve over what should have been, the life that I left me.

Summer can not come quick enough…

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