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The Loss of Hope

October 7, 2010

At 5:00 am, I began the long drive back from where I attended my high school reunion and visited my baby’s grave. I packed everything the night before and said bye to my brother the night before. I got up at 4:30, packed the car, put Sunshine in the car seat, and left. Early morning has always been my favorite time of the day. Usually, I’m not up quite so early but I still love that time. The world is still and filled with possibilities.

I planned my trip around missing rush hours in the major cities that I had to travel through. I put in a book on tape, The Big Short, and lost myself in trying to understand the cause of the recession. This book is good because it explains the meltdown in terms that a non-financial person can understand. The author tells you about the people involved and about their lives which makes it more appealing than most financial books. At 7:00 am, one of my high school friends called. She had called me the night before as I was traveling back from the dinner but I lost the connection in the hills. I thought this was odd that she would call again and I knew there was something that she had to say to me. She spoke of her family and her job. I listened. Finally, it came. She had a hysterectomy. 10 months ago she had some major pain and ignored it but the pain became un-ignorable. When she went to the hospital, she learned that she had huge fibroids. They operated immediately and took her uterus. She has a 6 year old daughter but has been tried to get pregnant again for a long time. The fibroids had prevented a pregancy and now she will never be pregnant again.

I called upon the wisdom of the words of ladies I had read in the blog-o-sphere. Because of my loss, I have read many blogs written by ladies with all types of losses. Some of the mamas with abruptions did not get to keep their uterus and have had to deal not only with the loss of their baby but the loss of the ability to have anymore babies. I told my friend that although I have not had the same experience that she has, I could understand the feeling of loss that she must be having. She admitted that she has not dealt well with the loss. I understand that at one time you have hope of having a child and then due to circumstances that you can not control that you do not have any more hope. Your ability to hope is taken away. From my experience, hope was a valuable emotion.  Her voice was shaking with emotion and I was sure she was crying. I can imagine how I would have felt after Norah died and if I could not have anymore babies afterwards. Rainbow and Sunshine have helped me heal, achieve peace, and become a better person. If I did not have these patches, my wounds may still be bleeding. I sympathize with her that her uterus was taken immediately without time to come to terms with the surgery. I fell back to my go-to stance on life. Some things in life are unplanned, bad things happen to you but good things happen the same way. You must continue to live life not only for yourself but for your family. You will heal from the tragedy, and you must give yourself time to grief what was lost. You may not know how to continue each day but just get up, fix breakfast and try. I hope that I helped her see a path forward.

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