October 1, 2010

Life is living. All around me. Everyday, I live. Everyday I give advice, wipe butts, eat, teach, laugh. Everyday, I live. I can feel Norah within me. She lives. In me. She has been near me recently. I feel her. She is source of strength, confidence and compassion.

Recently I visited her grave. It is a 12 hour trek from where I live now to my family’s ancentral graveyard. Her body is buried amongst the bodies of my family. My Mom, My Dad, My Aunts and Uncles, My Grandma and Grandpa, they are all there. There are 7 babies, one from me, two from two different uncles, and 4, yes I said 4, from my Grandma. How do you live through the death of 4 babies? They all died before their 2nd birthday. She gave birth in the 1920’s and 30’s in a cabin in the rural mountains. She lost 4 babies. There are 5 other babies buried there from my cousins. The percentage of babies to grownups in graveyard is probably 25% babies, 75% adults. Norah’s body has plenty of company.

I cried when I saw the grave again. She died nearly 3 years ago. My Mom died 2.5 years ago. These two deaths were too close in time. I feels like forever crawling out of the place where these deaths took me. I’m still coming out but I’m changed. A close friend from 20 years ago remarked “You HAVE changed.” I said, “Yes, I’m a different person.”  I cried when I got there. I nursed Sunshine several times and stayed a couple of hours. I cried when I left. I know it is only her body there but I felt like I was again leaving her.  I know she is within me but I found it very difficult to drive away.

In my Dad’s family, I have one living aunt and one living uncle. The rest are gone. They died when they were babies. They died young, one at 49 years old. Another soon after at 56. Some lived into their 90’s. My aunt is now 85 and my uncle is 93. My Dad died at 59. I visited my 85 year old aunt in my brief two days there. She asked me if I visited the cemetery and I gave her the news about the condition of the plot of land. She asked how I was doing, I said I was fine. Fine, is what I always say. She said, “Having 5 babies and 7 years takes it toll out on you.” I smiled and said, “Yes, I’m tired”. But I love her for saying that. I love her for acknowledging that I carried Norah and gave birth to her. No one is my family ever acknowledges her. It is always me that qualifies the conversation….”Not really, I have another baby.”

I don’t think I have ever mentioned this but my husband is a seer. Coach has dreams. He sees people and sometime future events in these dreams. I trust them and rely that he sees the truth. When I was pregnant with Rainbow, my first baby after Norah, he saw Rainbow living in a dream. I held onto that vision during my pregnancy. He doesn’t try to see people but when he does, he tells me. Coach recently saw my Mom in a dream. She was hiding behind a door and acting sneaky, like she was going to surprise me, Mom is a playful soul. But he said, he couldn’t hold it in and engulfed her in a bear hug and took her to the couch. Without a word spoken, she disappeared. Some of my family showed up at my house and needed help. Coach figured if we helped them that she would return. We helped, she returned. However, she still sat without a word and eventually disappeared. I loved that he dreams and sees what I can not see. I love that my Mother is near and is helping to guide our family to do the right thing.

I’ve been thinking recently about the continuity of life–the transformation from a soul with a body to a soul without a body.  I believe in the continuation of the soul into a different form, an energy source.  With this belief, I know that I will encounter Norah again.


  1. I believe this too. My core beliefs are shaken and battered and somewhat pathetic but I DO believe that someday I will be reunited with my daughter.

    … and bless your aunt for saying that. It is So good to have our lost children acknowledged, isn’t it?

  2. I love this post, I am glad it was a good visit, even if emotionally hard. ((hugs))

    and I believe as you do. we will meet our children again. one day.

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