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Silence

January 19, 2010

I’ve been thinking lately “why so silent?”. I could give the usual excuses — life, kids, work, etc…  Silence for me usually indicates the need to dig deeper into myself. It could be that I have already started to move inward. I did this at the end of my newest little one’s pregnancy. Now, I feel the urge to move inward again. And, I’m only 24 weeks pregnant. I rejoice with each baby born and am so saddened when I read of another baby lost. On the outside, I move mechanically from one task to the next (ummm, sometimes there is no moving). On the inside, I draw down into myself and try to shield myself from the fears, from the knowledge of what could lie ahead. I do.not.want. to think about losing another baby. I reject the thought immediately. Yet, it can happen.

*****

My little one is now 14 months old and she has been sick with a fever for 5 days. Hot…not so hot…hot….cooler, back and forth for days. She doesn’t sleep well and I don’t sleep well because I fear she will leave me in the middle of the night. So, I keep a watch over her and even when she does obtain a deep slumber, I still watch her. 

*****

I am probably reading your blog but can not find the energy to comment because that means I have to log into my blog to comment on yours. I apologize. I can’t seem to scrap together the brain cells. I was teaching a graduate level class this morning and all words left me. I began to gesticulate wildly with my hands, as if that would help me capture the words I was looking for. I still couldn’t find them and had to descibe the words I wanted with more words. I hate it when that happens.

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One comment

  1. ((hugs)) I hope M feels better soon and you get some decent sleep.
    I hear you abt the lack of brain cells, I so feel for you.
    Spiraling inward is such an instinctual thing to do. Sending you love.



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