And so it happens…

November 20, 2009

I shouldn’t be surprised and yet, I am. I always am. No one IRL ever remembers Norah’s angelversary, ever. Not my best friend, not my neighbors, not my parents (oh wait, they’re dead), not my siblings. My “Pea” friends on the internet remembered and put together a very touching tribute with candles and poems. Three friends from another internet site remembered. Every year I am torn concerning whether I should expect to remember or just let it all fade away.

It reasonates with me when other dead baby mama’s talk about how one day you feel like that shitty stuff must have happened to someone else or maybe that was a different lifetime. Then, I remember. No, it was us and she died only 2 years ago. We are the parents of a baby who died too soon. And so it happens that my own memories and the pain begin to dull and that others don’t even remember. My mind plays tricks on me. Did she exist? I look at pictures to remind me that yes, she existed and that she lives on in me and my kids. My emotions go up and down and I oscillate from being angry, to sad, to feeling OK, to just trying not to feel at all.

Dear Norah, I hope you are near. I hope that you are able to fulfill the journey that I was a part of. I hope that you get to hang out sometimes with the other babies that did not spend enough time on earth. I hope you are happy. Mom


  1. There’s so much here that I can relate to. Yes, the people who remember are few and far between, especially as time goes on. I find myself clinging to those dear, few friends. And the mind tricks, I can relate to also. I think Norah is, yes, up in baby-heaven doing fun and cool things that babies do up there. I think the same about my son. It’s the best I can hope for, really.

  2. Your last sentence hit me hard. That’s all we really want for any of our children – alive or gone – happiness.

  3. Oh, D, I’m so sorry no one IRL remembered Norah’s angelversary. I think it sticks so fresh in the peas’ minds because we all met trying to get pregnant. That’s where our lives were centered for so long. We were all in the same stage in live, just had a baby, still pregnant, or still trying. I think every one of us peas were just shocked and thought it could have happened to any one of us. Perhaps your IRL friends and family don’t recall the date because, while you were focused on adding another child to your family, they weren’t thinking about babies at all. It didn’t hit them as hard because they weren’t in a similar stage in life. I don’t know. I will never forget her angelversary. She has touched my life and I will never forget the lessons she taught me.

  4. I hear you, and I feel for you.

    Lately, sometimes the girls will forget, and say, “Oh, and of course, Ferdinand… I forgot.” and I told them, it’s ok. Sometimes I’d rather they forget.

    I hope Norah is happy too. I am missing her with you. ((hugs))

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