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I surrender (sort of)

September 23, 2009

Faithful readers of this blog, of which there are at least 3, will recall me wishing for early menopause. I wanted the issue regarding whether or not to have another child to be taken out of my hands. Despite due diligence, I find myself with child again. The decision was taken out of my hands but not the way I thought it would be. I got a positive test at the beginning of September prompting my spiral into “quietdom”. As usual, I’m working on not getting too attached because “bad things happen”. I will have a dr. appt at the beginning of October. I’ll be somewhere between 9-10 weeks along. After which, I’ll proceed to working on acceptance. I’m uncertain of the dates because if I ovulated when I thought I was supposed to, I wouldn’t be pregnant.  So, I find myself in a strange situation. Pregnant but not a planned pregnancy. I always thought having a surprise pregnancy would be cool — no stressing about opk’s or hpt’s every month. What I didn’t factor into my perceived coolness is the surprise. I didn’t spend anytime fanatasizing about this baby, or looking at the calendar, or planning anything. There is an element of building up to becoming pregnant and I missed that. Although, I do admit not have the stress of trying to conceive was awesome. Why so silent?  I’ve been exhausted in silence. I thought I was tired before, now I’m just wiped out, every night. But, I’m not complaining because I’ve never given myself room to complain. As a babyloss mom, I try to be grateful and appreciate every moment that I am given.  Now, I just have to get positive news and then I’ll get used to maybe bringing home a #5.

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3 comments

  1. Thinking of you often and mightily. xo


  2. praying for good news at the doctor’s and progress towards acceptance. *hugs*


  3. Sending strength and peace!



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