September 10, 2009

Over the past week, I’ve felt it building. I see clearly and then hide. Bear with me for this is going to be a rambling blog as I try to express myself. Live each moment in awareness. Make each moment count. Lately the times of awareness have been more frequent. I get scared and try to crawl back into blissful cloudiness. Why hide? The awareness, seeing clearly that each moment of the day is past and I will never get that back, it is almost too much. It overwhelms my senses. I am aging, my kids are aging, I can’t change what happened yesterday, I can only focus on the now.  I will die and what will remain? Nothing. Memories that my kids will have and then when they die, maybe nothing remains. A book, a journal article, a poem, jotted down. The immensity of being nothing is overwhelming. It is easier to hide. Hide in regular life. Go to work, take the kids to school, feed the baby, feed myself, go to sleep….oh, I had a baby that died and I can never get that time back. She is gone, she is dead. My Mom is dead. My Dad is dead. There is only Now. The largeness of world and the insignificance of my life are clashing and battling with the knowledge that I have created a smaller world where I can hide myself and matter to those around me.

One comment

  1. you’re last line is key. you have to realize that there IS a smaller world where you matter. even if only for a while. your kids’ kids’ kids’ may never know the hurt and pain that you’ve lived in your life, or the struggle you’ve endured through to overcome those pains… but I believe there is an unspoken legacy that WILL manifest itself in their lives, all because of the things you say and do in your current life. The way you speak to your kids will effect how they speak to theirs, and so on and so on. Don’t be discouraged about burying yourself in smaller world to feel some sibilance of self-worth. Take heart in that what you do DOES matter. YOU matter! I pray that God will convict you of that. If nothing else… you matter to Him! *hugs*

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