3 years

August 17, 2009

As I frantically run around my office making lists, making syllabi, checking schedules, tying up loose ends, I am proud of the productivity. Stress definitely ups the productivity but lessens my sleep time. In my small amount of down time, which encompasses the time it takes to take a shower, my brain settles into a non-thinking pattern. Most of my really great ideas come from showering, you’d think I would do it more (shower that is, not think). This morning, I remember that this is the first time in 3 years that I am starting the fall academic semester without being pregnant. Three years of trying to carry a pregnancy to full term and have that child live. No wonder my body feels like it is not healthy. Let’s make a list:

Fall 2006: pregnant at the end of August, miscarried that baby at 12 weeks, October 28

Fall 2007: pregnant at the end of August, carried to full term, lost Norah at 40 weeks, November 18

Fall 2008: pregnant at the end of August, carried to full term, had Maya November 28, finally a live baby.

Like a soldier, I feel somewhat shell shocked, battle hardened, a pregnancy warrior. Also like a soldier, I have trauma associated with the battle — flashbacks, insomnia, depression. Like soldiers, we baby lost mamas are trying to figure out how to live life out amongst the people who have not lost or suffered as we have. We are ticking time bombs, waiting for the next person/event to light the fuse (that analogy is so 20th century, I supposed I should say “waiting for the next person/even to push the countdown button”). 

3 years. That is a long time to be pregnant/post-pregnant/ crushed/ heartbroken. I am not happy with the path that I took to get to today. If I could have changed it, I would have. I would rather have my babies in my house. So, as I begin the semester, not pregnant, I feel as though I am embarking on a new phase of life. That is not particularly true. I’m just not sure I know how to function not being pregnant.

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