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I have 4 kids.

June 29, 2009

We made it back home. Yet, my mind is still wandering. Focus is difficult. My mind wanders around the recesses of my consciousness only to return back to Norah. I’m thinking about a dicussion I had with my 6 year old daughter H. at dinner last night. She was talking about how if you want a baby brother or sister all you have to do is say it, and you get it.  I didn’t remind her of the one we didn’t get. I said, ” So, that is it, you just have to say it and it comes.” She said, “Yes, I wanted a baby sister and one came”. So, I said “Do you want another brother or sister?” I just wanted to see what she would say.  H. said, “No, Mom you already have 3 kids, that is enough.” I couldn’t let it pass, I said “No, honey, I have 4”. She said “Oh yes, Norah”.

I am reduced to reminding my kids about Norah. They may forget but I never will. As my mind wandered last night I almost went back to the days after her death to see myself at that time. I almost did….but I pulled back–not willing to feel the pain and the sadness again. It was so fresh and powerful then.  I am afraid it will overwhelm me with sadness yet again. I just did not want to go there. Yet, I know I will go there soon. There is something calling me, wanting resolution. I’m not certain what yet but something is there. I’ll deal with it another day.

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2 comments

  1. Having to correct anyone is hard. Like you – there are times when I stand on a little ledge in The Pit – and wonder when I will let go to fall back in. Just know – I’m climbing right next to you. ((((HUGS))))


  2. This happens to me sometimes, too – and when
    it’s my own parents talking, or my kids, it hurts.
    I know. (((Hugs)))
    Here’s something heartwarming, though:
    I was recently sorting through school papers and
    found an essay my nine year old had written in class a few weeks ago. In describing his family, he
    wrote: I have 2 sisters, and 2 brothers.
    It brought tears to my eyes.

    Em/bluewatergirl



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